This Just In: Sex Sells & Why I’m Afraid of Love

I’ve been incredibly popular with men in the past decade, in part because I was following the prescription for fame and attention: be half naked and flirt a lot.

Halloween. Note the pearls I'm wearing. Gotta keep it classy.

And as any woman knows, it’s always good to show off your boobs.

My boobs

But let’s be honest, I was fresh out of a cult and wanted to give a big FUCK YOU to the purity movement I’d lived in for seven plus years.  So it was only right that I did what I did and trust me, I’m okay with all the attention I got. It doesn’t make me any less human.

People have said over and over they don’t know why Kim Kardashian is famous. Yes, you do. I believe her fame emerged after her sex tape. And Paris Hilton. And then let’s take Coco from Ice Loves Coco.

Screenshot of ass from Cocos World

The reason these women are famous is because sex, nudity, and ditsy behavior sells. It makes you famous.

I went through a dumb blonde phase (see photos above) where I insisted on pretending I was stupid, pretended to get bad grades, and really pretended to care about asshole dudes. But the problem was that I was just pretending. I am not stupid and I didn’t get bad grades. I may or may not have cared about some of those assholes.

I learned very quickly that the male attention I got during those days was for one reason and one alone: I was sexy. I was also thin. As the years went on and my depression compounded my issues, I gained weight. Sure, some people still think I’m sexy and some still hit on me, but there has been a huge decrease in male attention over the past few years. I believe my own mother said that if I lost some weight I’d find a good man.

The odd thing about my weight gain is that it’s directly related to wanting to be invisible. After being miserably hurt by those I loved, I didn’t want to go through it again. I didn’t realize I may have purposefully gained weight so I didn’t have to be around people, or trust them, or even get male attention. But this is one thing my therapist proposed to me a week or two ago. We just started talking about it and I’m not sure what all is truly behind that desire for invisibility but it’s very clearly present in my life. It also manifests in other ways, too, but the weight gain is most noticeable.

Back to fame. I know a girl who recently made herself semi-famous. She has no talent that I know of, but she’s taken very sexy, half naked pictures of herself. As a result, she’s everywhere and can get any media attention she wants. For awhile, that was my plan. Lose some weight, get famous. As a writer, fame would be very helpful. It’s a plan that certainly works, but as I started getting to know myself a bit more, I realized it’s not for me. I do love being half naked or whole naked, but I don’t like being inauthentic. I don’t want to live my life as an act and for me, acting stupid would be an act. Being naked would not be an act. I’m naked right now and I often write naked. But not to turn you on.

I’m not saying that girls who sell out for fame by being naked are wrong or stupid. Sometimes, I think they’re quite smart because they are marketing GURUS. I often wonder if it is an act, though. How much of them really wants to be famous for who they are? Or because of a talent they may be hiding because it’s not “what hot girls do”? I’ve noticed a lot of celebrities have very good hearts and sometimes even brilliant minds.

So when Katy Perry said today that she’s tired of fame, I get it (not the fame, of course). I’m sure she may even regret it sometimes. But because fame is this monster that can often turn against you, you have to play the game or the game will kill your career.

So, while I’m still pretty, I’m pretty fluffy. And I am not a huge fan of sharing my fat pictures with anyone but here’s one:

It’s easy to hide after becoming fat and as anyone who has ever gained weight knows it’s even more difficult to take it off after putting it on. I’m healthy and I’m secretly happy with my fluffiness, yet I know I’ve stacked to odds against me when it comes to finding love. But you know what? Sometimes I wonder if that’s why I did this to myself–to prevent myself from finding love again. If you don’t find love, then you don’t have to deal with someone not loving you, rejecting you, or abandoning you.

On the other hand, somehow through all of this, I’ve found myself. I wear my glasses with pride instead of thinking they make me look ugly. I read feminist books and don’t care if that makes me unappealing to the straight male. I am smart and I’m not afraid of being who I am, regardless of how others judge me. I don’t often wear makeup, I refuse to wear stilettos anymore and I may be more interested in reading or debating than what others tell me I should dress like or look like. Because of all that, I’m very happy.

Nerdy Guys. Yum.

I love nerds/IT guys/computer guys/shy men. Seriously, when someone starts talking code to me, I get all hot and bothered. I just WANT TO KNOW ALL THE THINGS they’re talking about.

 

I love nerds/IT guys/computer guys/shy men. Seriously, when someone starts talking code to me, I get all hot and bothered. I just WANT TO KNOW ALL THE THINGS they’re talking about.

Smart is sexy.

I’m not gonna lie, that photo makes me  laugh. But it’s so awful because the whole GTL thing is stupid. I don’t care if you went to the gym today. Stop trying to look disgusting with a tan and your undies down to your pelvis. Seriously. Stop with the “bro” thing.

I love me some nerds. Nerdy guys are where it’s at. 

Maybe they’re not always the most experienced, but I’ve never been disappointed with a nerd. In fact, most women think nerds and funny guys are very sexy.

Why? Nerds are funny, charming, and sweet. They don’t try to say stupid shit like, “You think guys are jerks? Well, that’s because you haven’t met someone like me.” Ew, no. They just do what they do and inevitably your opinions change about men–men like them. They’re consistent. They’re not trying to jerk you over. They don’t try to change you. Even though the world picks on nerds for being insecure, there’s something very secure about letting people be who they are and accepting who you are. That’s an admirable nerd quality.

The Opportunity of a Lifetime: Sex with Three People

That time I was asked to join an open relationship

Here’s the thing you need to know about me: I fall in love easily and I’m online a lot. So, last night one comment got me laughing, a friend request was sent and bam…I’m crushing on this guy we’ll call “D.” Anyway, D is cute…red haired though, so meh. Not much of a beard. Three kids. Lives in Arizona. Okay, I’m getting desperate.

 

I wake up this morning to the sweetest Facebook message:

You had some night. I hope your morning is going well and that you don’t read this anytime soon, because you are sleeping in, peacefully, for hours yet.

 

Jesus Christ, I’m in love, I think. I love to sleep. Anyone who knows me intimately enough knows sleeping is not just my number one priority, but it’s my life. I could nap right now and then sleep through the entire day tomorrow, wake up to pee and get back into my blankets. Schizophrenics sleep a lot. That runs in my family.

 

So I write him back. See above (“online a lot”).

 

The day carries on and he’s my dream man, almost. Not really, but it’s an incredibly boring day at work. I just got rejected from my best friend the night before and a person I liked from the past is struggling physically to remove a really awful drug addiction. My parents are going through a divorce. I’m late on an article. My job is going so well I want to give up writing…almost. I almost landed a book deal. And my fucking awesome friend “T” said she’d write a blurb for my book. And there’s a TV show that kind of is interested.

 

Now you see my need for wine and weed.

 

Back to “D-bag”. He asks me about my writing, my journalism, etc. I already tell him way too much. I’ve probably half spoiled my TV show opportunity. And then you know, I’m an activist and blogger. And he reads my mind:

 

I would love to be a full time activist, I am not a writer, but I have a neglected blog and I’m planing on starting a youtube channel.

 

You’re speaking my language, son! He gives himself away later by saying “What hosting account do you recommend? I’m on blogger.com.” Blogger is not a hosting account. Wow. Sorry, that was a red flag.

 

I then go into my whole “my blog got hacked. My blog is my life” thing. And then I say the virus, it’s destructive and damn…a friend cussed me out. I feel awful. But he saves the day by soothing me:

 

A “friend” cussed you out for something you shouldn’t have been expected to be able to prevent? Not cool.

 

But let me cut to the chase because it gets good. He eventually gets past ALL my barriers emotionally and jumps, nay climbs, over all my walls. I’m shocked. I’m startled. I’m breathing differently. My eyes sparkle. I’ve mentally moved him and his three children over to my area of the country.

 

And then he explains to me that he’s in a relationship with this girl who’s into polyamory and he wants to try it:

 

I have started seeing someone who is trying to introduce me to polyamory. I was reticent at first because of my experiences with Mormonism and the the hideous apologetics around polygamy. I was repulsed by anything that hinted at the misogyny of that mindset. She is patiently bringing me around to some of the more enlightened aspects of it, and her feminist motivations for it. Plus, it’s a lot easier to feel comfortable with it when she’s the one doing all the ‘poly’. I don’t know that I’m ready to explore that, yet but if I do I think it’s going to be something I do very carefully.

 

I’m going to the AHA conference in June and she insists that I have a “conference fling” or that we try bringing someone into our experience. …sigh… I used to be so uninhibited! I’m hoping the right person can help me with that. She is starting to feel uncomfortable with how one-sided this is. I am really enjoying my experience with this person but I feel a little caught up in a whirlwind and i’m just trying to hang on. in the meantime, it’s really, really nice to be with someone that isn’t self-conscious about letting me please her, lots, and lots. It’s like all my pent up ‘giving’ is final able to be indulged and I’m making up for lost time.

 

“…We try bringing someone into our experience…” Share?! Partners?! Sex? Open relationship?

 

My mind starts going to shark infested waters with a bloody carcass getting mangled to shreds. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! In my head I’m screaming bloody murder. That sounds absofuckinglutely terrible. Have I digressed to the ’50’s? Has someone turned me into Ann Romney? What’s wrong with my head?

 

I say, I’ve done the threesome thing. It was fun, but not something I’m into doing again.

 

And of course, I have to be honest:

 

 

I’ve had partners who tried to convince me to do something and you know, sometimes I gave in, but ultimately, they weren’t things I wanted to do, so I wasn’t happy doing them. I was giving but not into it. For example, someone tried to ask me to be his dominatrix last week. Not really my thing…and when I said no, he got super pissed and we’re not friends anymore. I think sex should be really far away from coercion.

I won’t lie…I’m a little bummed that you’re seeing someone because you’re pretty much my type.

So, we like each other. A lot. This goes on for awhile. And it gets heated. I sigh. I bite the bullet and say, Ugh, okay, I’m not going to take this further until you’re single. Sorry, it’s not my thing to try to break people up.

 

But he persists. And draws me in. And then I say it again, No, not ’til you’re single.

 

Then I’m more frank: I’m torn between, “you dirty scum” for messaging me while you’re in a relationship to “oh maybe it would work.”

 

Then the real me spoke up:

 

 

Are you trying to recruit me into a threesome? Is that what this is about?

 

And he said,

as glorious as that sounds, and it is entirely possible that you have just given me fantasy images for a long time to come, no. At this time with as I know about you and me and our dynamic, I want our experience, at least our first few experiences to be just you and me. I want to focus are you exclusively. I want to give you my full and undivided attention.

 

Damn, that’s sexy. Except for the “our first few experiences to be just you and me.” Uhhhh….Wait. What? But he then clarified because he’s psychic and knew I was spitting out my water all over the screen with shock:

 

let me add to that slightly. if it was something YOU wanted, if it was your fantasy (yes I read when you said you didn’t want that again, I’mjust explaining the situation that I would consider). If you picked the third and I still got to focus on you exclusively with somebody else helping to give you the ultimate sexual experience – that is something I would do. But no. I’m not angling for that.

 

 

But I play dumb just so I’m clear: So where does your partner fit into this?

 

Well, he says,

 

depends on what you and her want. Either as an enthusiastic and welcome lparticipant or as an informed, consenting absentee, or a friendly, uninformed former partner.

Or any other idea that appeals to all of us

 

 

 

 

I am not just insulted.

 

I’m pissed off.

 

What a manipulative lying cunt fucker.

 

So you little cunt fuck, here’s what I think:

 

Don’t fucking think that you’re “enlightened” you manipulative son of a bitch. This isn’t enlightenment. It’s disgusting, disrespectful coercive lies. I wouldn’t have had sex with you if you were last dude on the planet. You live in Fucking Arizona.

 

Also, next time you’re picking up on someone for poly-Mormonism, just be honest and up front. Don’t lie. Don’t say what someone wants to say. Get help if you’re a sociopath.

 

And then, if you’re interested (sociopaths aren’t), get to know the person. Be yourself.

 

You know what sucks? The dude has my number. Ugh. Lame. I really need my agent (that I don’t have yet) to take my phone away from me. And my Facebook.

Can Women Pursue Men?

This is one of the number one Google searches that brings people to my site. I assume if you’re looking for this answer, you’ve got a guy on your mind that you want to pursue, but a pastor or spiritual leader who says it’s a no-go. Right?

To get deeper into this subject would require my writing a novel, or a book on dating but the long and short of it is, YES, women can pursue men. And NO, that doesn’t make you a whore, a Jezebel, an outlaw, a Smurf or any other thing your pastor might suggest.

I don’t want to be demeaning or rude, but here’s the “real talk”: If you’re wondering what your pastor will say about your pursuit of a guy, you’re in a sexist church. To go even further, if your pastor is inquiring about your dating life regularly and giving you advice, or suggestions that sound more like commands, you’re going to need to look for a new pastor or spiritual leader.

Just. Walk. Away.

If you’re pastor is that involved, you’re probably already in or heading toward an abusive relationship and your pastor is going to control much of your life and life choices. And no, he’s not qualified to do so. God isn’t saying he should. Your pastor (if he says that) is full of sh*t.

What you don’t know (or maybe you do, which is why you Googled your question) is that we live in a modern society where it’s perfectly okay to ask a guy out.

How can you pursue a guy? Here’s a few easy steps:

1. Start with the basics. Smile, flirt, touch his arm. It’s okay. You’re not a whore. You’re….FLIRTING. You’re showing him you’re interested and that’s okay to do. People aren’t mind readers. How else will he know you like him if you don’t show him a little hint of your interest?

2. Make the first move. Maybe you think he’s cute so you want to friend him on Facebook. Do it! Guys like confident girls. If he accepts, flirt a little bit. Message him or comment on a picture. Do you have his number? Text him or call him.

3. Make the second move. In order to get to know someone, you have to spend time with them, whether it’s through an email or face-to-face. Get to know him by talking to him and learning what he’s interested in. Remember, your interests are just as valid, so share what you like. If you’re not interested in exactly the same things, that’s okay. People can bond over different interests if they’re attracted to each other enough. And who knows? Maybe it’s going to be a match. Maybe not.

4. Move on, if necessary. Maybe there’s no match, and no chemistry. Oh well. The first (or fifteenth) guy you date doesn’t have to be your husband. There isn’t anything wrong with you if you can’t find a baby daddy on the second date. Trust me, it’s nothing to rush into. Get to know yourself before you rush into commitment and take a breather from the courtship route. It’s not the best way to do things, regardless of what your pastor teaches.

 


 

Why Single Women Should Break “The Rules” From Dating Experts

Recently a friend of mine and I started talking about her feelings for her best friend. She likes him, but she feels incredibly shy telling him how she feels. She feels like he should be the one to pursue her and ask her out.

Yet, he doesn’t know that she has feelings for him.

She’s afraid of rejection, and understandably so. Any time you put yourself out there, you risk rejection. What women don’t always understand is that some men fear rejection too.

I’ve encouraged her to ask him out, or at least tell him how she feels. I believe women should pursue what they want and if what they want is a relationship or sex with someone, they should break “the rules” and go after it.You’ll never know until you try.

SEXIST DATING ADVICE

Telling a woman to go after a man is contrary to what most dating “experts” and relationship coaches say. A few years ago, I read the book He’s Just Not that Into You. It’s incredibly sexist and not very helpful. It’s also very condescending to women. [Although it may be a  helpful read to the women out there who always end up in toxic and abusive relationships, or to the women who “date” married men for decades hoping he’ll leave his wife.]

The sexist message of women should just sit back and let a guy do all the pursuing is everywhere though, including on Huffington Post’s site. Dating and Relationship coach Jag Carrao says women make five mistakes in dating and the first one is this:

Dating Mistake #1:  Approaching Him First.  Among all the invaluable lessons in The Rules, authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider emphasize this point as the most important. It may go against conventional dating advice, which encourages women to flirt and even strike up a conversation.  While there are always exceptions, the women I coach who are struggling with boyfriends who won’t commit or husbands who ignore them almost invariably made the first contact.  A man may date and even marry a woman who approached him first, but there will likely be consequences later on…when he approaches the girl he really wants.  This goes for online dating as well.

So if I understand Jag clearly, she thinks if a woman approaches a man first, there will be consequences later including her husband may leave her?! This is incredibly stupid advice and although I haven’t read The Rules, I now have a bone to pick with their authors. Telling women not to pursue men, not to flirt, or approach him first is childish.

I think most relationship and dating advice is incredibly old fashioned and archaic. It assumes men and women are tightly bound to traditional gender roles and we’re simply not.

I’m not a relationship coach, but I do think I’m better suited to give you advice than Jag Carrao. In fact, I think anyone is better suited to give you dating advice. She says in her article:

If you talked him first or even asked him out, you can try to restore some of the feminine mystique and you forfeited as the initiator by being a bit more elusive – a little less available, a little more mysterious.

What the…?! You can try to restore some of the feminine mystique you forfeited?

I’m sorry, but approaching a man first doesn’t mean you forfeit anything, ladies.

Encouraging women to hold back from talking to men encourages women to stick to a traditional gender role–to be docile and let things happen to her. It also encourages women to play games. In turn, men either think women are crazy and/or play games back.

Here are my Five Dating Rules Women Should Follow [And Feel Free to Break]:

  1. Relationships should be built on honesty, not games. If you have to play a game to get him or her, you may have to play games to keep him or her on a string. If you’re honest and up front with who you are and what you want, you’re more likely to get what you want out of the relationship.
  2. You should be yourself in a relationship, not what someone says you should be. If you’re the “needy/clingy” girl, you’re often criticized for being overly romantic. You’re faulted for being who you are and you’re told by dating “experts” that you’ll never get what you want unless you change. This is horse sh*t. There are men who are romantic and who like spending quality time with a girl. Perhaps there is a limited dating pool of men who like this, but statistics say you’ll meet that guy. You should be yourself and be comfortable with being yourself. You’ll be more satisfied with your relationship if you’re allowed to be who you are and you’re accepted for it. [This isn’t to say that if you have serious co-dependency issues you shouldn’t work on those. We can all use a little self-growth.]
  3. It’s okay for women to break the rules. Men like women who have confidence and these days some men like to be pursued. It shows confidence for a woman to go out of her way to talk to a man and honestly, it helps dudes out. Some men get rejected often and after awhile some shy guys give up on going out of their way to talk to women. Which  leads me to my next point:
  4. Shy guys are “keepers”. Forget the “bad boys” and the “assholes”. The keepers are the shy guys, the smart guys, the nerdy guys. These are the guys who are grateful for women who go out of their way to talk to them and ask them out. They’re respectful, interested in equality and like you for who you are.
  5. Break all the other rules. Those sexist messages that say you shouldn’t talk to a man, shouldn’t seek out a guy, shouldn’t ask a man out? Break them all. You’ll be happier for it in the long run and you’ll likely land a man who’s really into you for who you are–inside and out.

Is He “The One”?

After yesterday’s major celebrity split, the boyfriend and I spent a few minutes talking about it and then later over lunch we talked some more about marriage. The boyfriend is pretty old-fashioned when it comes to marriage–he thinks when you get married, you should stay married (with the exception, of course, to abuse and that sort of thing).

I don’t think I really buy into the whole “sanctity of marriage” idea. I think people should be free to divorce if they need to. I mean, some people can be real assholes. There’s no need to stick it out with someone who’s an ass. My opinion is that if you’re going to get married, you should probably know the person really well and you should be older and settled in life. Of course that doesn’t happen all the time, but if it did, maybe there’d be less divorce.

Last night, the boyfriend and I went out with our friends, R & J. They’re Indian. J explained to us that Indians often have arranged marriages, so the boyfriend asked what they thought of that. J said that his parents had an arranged marriage and it’s worked out well for them. He also said that when you first start dating someone, you spend so many years getting to know them and it’s usually the fun stage. Then you get married and spend the rest of your marriage dealing with the tough times. Arranged marriages tend to give the couple a chance to get to know one another and go through the fun stages once the marriage starts.

I’m going to be honest: I think I want to marry the boyfriend. Actually, if I knew he felt the same way (and wasn’t scared that he’d think I’m crazy), I’d tell him that. I’m sure in a matter of days I will tell him. I’m impulsive like that. And I’m sure he won’t mind.

And maybe he’ll feel the same way. Who knows? Our relationship has been pretty magical–not to sound super cheesy, but don’t they say, When you meet the person, you just know? And hopefully that is how it works, but I have a feeling it’s a lot more complicated and difficult than that.

I’m in Love

I happen to be in love right now. I can’t even tell you how head over heels I am for this guy, but I am. Sometimes he and I take off on a Monday (we both have the day off) and spend the day together. The other day we drove up to Chumash Casino, near Santa Barbara. We just have so much fun in each other’s company–singing and yelling and letting the cool breeze blow through our hair.

Ryan Adams just came out with his new album, Ashes and Fire. I love Ryan, although I have to admit I probably know of him because an ex-boyfriend (can I call him that if we never actually kissed?), but I don’t really associate him with that guy because I’ve mostly forgotten him.

Yesterday I went to Malibu and sat by the beach in my car listening to the album and came across the song Dirty Rain. Like many of Ryan Adam’s songs, they’re soulful and deeply romantic. I happen to be in love right now. I can’t even tell you how head over heels I am for this guy, but I am. Sometimes he and I take off on a Monday (we both have the day off) and spend the day together. The other day we drove up to Chumash Casino, near Santa Barbara. We just have so much fun in each other’s company–singing and yelling and letting the cool breeze blow through our hair.

A few weeks ago, I drove him to my favorite spot in Malibu. This spot where I was alone last night. Since he loves taking pictures at night, I pulled over so he could get a few photos of the moonlight reflecting on the ocean. They turned out gorgeous. Then he put his camera up and I grabbed a blanket from the backseat. We walked hand-in-hand to the seashore and kissed under the moonlight. We took a little walk on the beach, laughing and talking and holding each other. And then we laid out the blanket on the sand and snuggled while we talked. It was so romantic–just he and I and the moonlight reflecting on our faces.