This is part two of Jackie’s account of her MC experience. Read the first post here.
Graduation finally came. It was about two weeks before graduation when I, along with others, were making plans to come back the following year or stay over the summer and help out. I really thought I was a shoo-in for leadership training. After all, I really needed it. I felt that I had proven myself and deserved the invitation. So, when it came time to read the list of who was accepted back and my name was nowhere on the list tears started to well up in my eyes and I was really confused. The only thing that was said to me was, “You aren’t a leader. We can’t accept you back.” I felt like I was thrown out like a piece of trash. It seemed like there were so many people who got accepted back that I knew were full of shit. I was mad at myself and felt that I should have been more charismatic. The truth is, I should have bs’d my way through but I have more integrity than that. I held my head high and made it through graduation.
Leaving was hard. I wasn’t sure if I’d see any of my friends ever again. Actually, I didn’t. All of the people that I thought I was friends with never returned my phone calls or emails so that was depressing in itself. I seriously didn’t mean shit to anyone.I thought these people were my friends for life. It really went to show how fucking fake every person was. It still pisses me off and it’s been over a decade. Some might say that I’m just bitter and I didn’t let Jesus in my heart but the damage went further than just my emotions and spirit. By the time I left I had lost a bunch of weight (I was overweight so not a real big deal) and my hair was dead and falling out. I pretty much lived off of ramen and grapefruit and the occasional burrito. We got $50 a week to buy groceries for 4 people. Since my mom wasn’t sending me the money, I went hungry on several occasions. I ended up being very dehydrated and suffered from hypoglycemia and malnourishment. To this day I still have food issues. I have a problem of fearing low-blood sugar attacks if I don’t eat. It’s totally mental.
Close to the end of summer I got a phone call from a couple that left the Phoenix MC the year before I went and hey were starting up their own. I still was at a point that I believed MC hadn’t done anything wrong. Maybe this was God’s will and I just couldn’t see it before. They wanted me to come do my 2nd year in Springfield, MO and help them start up. So, I went. I couldn’t stay at home much longer without blowing my brains out. I was already battling severe depression and regaining my health but I had to do something. This MC wasn’t any better. One of the staff members dated a 1st year student most of the year and lied to our faces when we confronted her about it. She married him a couple of months after graduation. They would also preach holy excellence, but yet flip each other off, talk bad about the pastor of the church and the members, and cuss, etc. All the things that would be seriously frowned upon anyone that claims to be a disciple of the most-high God. Blah, blah, blah.
It’s over. It has been for a while- twelve years actually. The Missouri folks didn’t even talk to me about coming back. It wasn’t even an option. Once again, any friends that I made wanted nothing to do with me. I had nothing special to offer them. I stayed in Springfield anyway because I wanted to get away from my crazy family. I regret not going to college when I was younger. I am 33 now and finally starting. I am happily married and have two kids. I have also left he confines of Christianity and deities. NOT having a relationship with Jesus has been the best thing for me. I can think for myself and decide what standard I want to live my life by. I still have a lot of anger toward Master’s Commission not because of what I went through while I was there, but because of the tactics they use to “rope” in young minds. It’s brainwashing at it’s finest. It’s sad and unacceptable. These types of programs need to be shut down. I do not feel that they better society. Young people need legitimate educations so they can function in society. People that have trouble with addiction don’t need to replace it with Jesus just as victims of abuse can’t just pray it away… they need help.