In a recent profile on Brad Pitt, Salon talked about earlier parts of Brad’s career and what changed him over the years. Brad has come into his own as a great actor (and not just a pretty face) over the years, but as it turns out, he wasn’t always embracing the moment life had given him. He says:
For a long time I thought I did too much damage – drug damage. I was a bit of a drifter. A guy who felt he grew up in something of a vacuum and wanted to see things, wanted to be inspired. I followed that other thing. I spent years f–king off. But then I got burnt out and felt that I was wasting my opportunity. It was a conscious change. This was about a decade ago. It was an epiphany – a decision not to squander my opportunities. It was a feeling of get up. Because otherwise, what’s the point?
I spent the ’90s trying to hide out, trying to duck the full celebrity cacophony. It wigged me out a bit. I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was so intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself. (Emphasis my own)
As many of you personally know, I’ve had a rough time with attention (good and bad) and bouts of paranoia last year. In fact, the last two years have been brutal. Absolutely a wreck. I started hiding and even then I didn’t feel that great. I was planning on shutting my blog and social media (even private profiles) down completely and running off…line. I deleted hundreds of friends in an attempt to get more privacy and mainly because I was having a tough time figuring out who the Jesus trolls and haters were.
It was overwhelming. All of it. I could go on, but it was Dark with a capital D.
A few weeks ago I sat down with a very nice therapist with Great Hair. We talked about all of this–my blog, my story, my need for boundaries. As I talked it all out, I started seeing things more clearly and started realizing that this was manageable and it didn’t have to suffocate me like it was. I started to feel great again. Happy, even. Maybe I could DO this for real, I thought. I even got a “fuck it, who cares?” attitude about whether my mom or family reads my blog.
And suddenly, over the past few weeks, something miraculous has happened. My sense of humor came back. I don’t consider myself a comedienne but I sure as hell am starting to realize that sometimes, I am just that. I’m also a writer, sure, but not the kind of writer I thought I was or I was trained to be. I’m evolving. Plus, who needs categories all the time? Creators create.
My blog has been the bane of my existence the past 2 years because I just could not handle the eyes staring at me, and I’m not certain that’s going to change, so bear with me if I have an Amanda Bynes moment. I’m probably going to need Great Hair/therapist for awhile and that’s okay.
What’s about to happen now is what Brad Pitt talked about above: homegirl is going to embrace the shit out of it all and go for it. I’m not going to squander my opportunities anymore or hide from the ones sitting in front of me, because trust me, I have done just that over and over. I felt like Brad did and it’s a shitty ass feeling:
But then I got burnt out and felt that I was wasting my opportunity. It was a conscious change. This was about a decade ago. It was an epiphany – a decision not to squander my opportunities. It was a feeling of get up. Because otherwise, what’s the point?
The other day I spoke with someone in the TV industry and she was like “It’s great to talk to someone who’s doing it…creating. So many of us want to do just that.” I know, girl. For my entire life I wanted to create and I could not find my voice, my niche, until I started blogging. And then I lost it because I was scared and self-conscious. Well, I’ve found it again and I don’t give a fuck who says I over-share or disagrees with my opinions or doesn’t laugh at my jokes. It’s my life, right Bon Jovi?
It is going to trip me out still that things I say online are going to bother so many people, including half of my family members who don’t know that I’m really just joking.
But at the end of the day, I’m going to regret it if I don’t live my dreams and I am the single person who is currently holding myself back from all that.
So, let’s do this shit!
FYI, I have heard the “Don’t forget me when you’re famous” line from SO many of you which is funny on many levels because: A) No one here is going to get famous, so chill. B) In the event I get popular, I will absolutely still be myself and we can do Google hangouts*. Deal?
*Google hangouts subject to my nap time with cats schedule.