Cry Me a River

I fell in love with my best friend and last year around October we finally started sleeping together. It was all amazing and I really thought we were going to be a serious thing, but that didn’t happen. Unfortunately you can’t control someone’s demons or someones ability to love you (or stay in love with their ex, which was his case). I held on so long because we’re still friends and I can tell he still likes me, but the funny thing is whenever I want to hang out, he won’t and then when I ask him if he likes me he won’t even say he does. Not once. Ever. We haven’t even seen each other for most of the year and I still held on hope. Lame, I know. Trust me, everyone told me I was but your heart wants what it wants and doesn’t let it go until it’s ready.

Some people have excuses for everything. I think, if you like someone, you should tell them and you should go for it and see where it takes you. You can’t sit around and wait until you’re perfect or life is just going to pass you by. When I felt like the time was right last year, I told him I liked him and I went for it. We’d had a lot of history together and I thought it was something that he wanted, too. To be honest, I don’t know if I was just delusional about it the whole time or if he really did fall in love with me. One minute he’d be into me and the next minute he’d be drunk and talking about how much his ex-wife hurt him. Normally, I would take that as a really bad sign, but you have to understand that we talk to each other about everything, every single day. I respect him a lot and went to him for advice about the biggest things and the littlest things. It would’ve been perfect, but it was far from it. And I’m surely not going to get into all the ways it wasn’t perfect because that would take all night and make me look bad for staying in love so long.

I was pretty messed up all year trying to forget about him. I snubbed a lot of good guys because I just couldn’t be true to someone new if I wasn’t over him. That’s no way to treat someone great. I can usually get over someone pretty easy if I need to, but this one was harder than usual. I gave him so many warnings, “I’m going to start dating other guys.” (Why warn someone? Why not just do it?) He knew I was full of hot air and that I still loved him. I knew it, too, because I didn’t date a single, goddamn person all year even though I could have.

But that shit’s changing. I’ve tried to move on all year and a few months ago I felt like I was ready…or coming close to it. Now I’m over it–excuses, waiting, pretending like someone’s going to get better. They’re not.  I kept trying to get over him and move on, but wasn’t ready. Lately, though, I noticed I feel way more interested in dating and I’m going with it. Fuck that waiting around shit. I’m not really sure what I’m “going” for, exactly. Nothing specifically. I’m just enjoying the fact that I’ve put that behind me. Not that I would complain if someone wanted to romance me a little bit and move in (slowly) for something more serious.