You’ve Been Taught a Lot of Dumb Sh*t

I’m going to play “Dear Abby” aka Dear Lisa today. You can ask me any question and I’m going to answer, probably contrary to how your pastor has taught you.

Dear Lisa,

My pastor says it’s not okay for women to pursue men and that men are cowards if they don’t pursue us. He says that all men these days are chicken and they should do the pursuing.

Sincerely,

Confused

Dear Confused,

Your pastor is full of sh*t. I covered the anti-feminist movement of the church here. It might be a good idea. Men LOVE being pursued. Sometimes men are just as nervous as you are to put themselves out there and risk rejection. You should do flirt with him, call him, ask him out! It might be the best thing you’ve ever done. I always pursue guys. I found that when I lived in Texas, that was a faux pas, but here in California, we do things differently.

Sincerely,

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

My pastor says if I have sex before marriage, I’m going to get pregnant and die. Is this true?

Sincerely,

Almost Dead

Dear Almost Dead,

Your pastor is full of sh*t. If you have sex before marriage, you’re going to have lots of free entertainment, and you risk run the risk of LOVING it. Pastors don’t want women running around in this world who like sex, who are happy and fulfilled, and who might become more powerful than them. If you are going to have sex before marriage, my only advice is to use a condom to prevent STD’s, and use birth control so you don’t have an unwanted pregnancy with someone you don’t know if you want to have a kid with. I’m a firm believer in women living their dreams out first, and then mothering afterward.

Sincerely,

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

My pastor says if I drink alcohol, I’ll go to hell. I actually like beer. Help!

Sincerely,

Samuel Adams

Dear Sam,

Your pastor probably throws one back in the evenings when he has a bbq at his house. No worries. Drink your beer. Heck, drink some vodka. Have fun in life. Of course, drink responsibly and don’t drink and drive. And don’t become an alcoholic. But you won’t risk hell from any of those things–drinking responsibly can be fun. Try it!

Sincerely,

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

My pastor says that if I go to Vegas and gamble a little bit, I might burn in hell for life because I’m not giving all my money to the orphans at the church. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Leaving Las Vegas

Dear LLV,

First, there are no orphans living at the church. What your pastor means to say is that if you give your money to Vegas, he can’t buy his new car. Your tithe and offerings go to operate the church and they also go to your pastors pocket. It’s true. I worked with pastors for years. Gambling in Vegas is FUN. You should try it. You won’t go to hell. You won’t die. You’ll probably have a ton of fun. But, you might get addicted and that could be bad. So, just play in moderation and you’ll be fine. And, if you do get addicted…get help. Gamblers Anonymous style.

Sincerely,

Lisa

4 thoughts on “You’ve Been Taught a Lot of Dumb Sh*t”

  1. I attended A/G churches for many years and the only bad experience was with MCA. While I disagree with many A/G teachings, I was only ever looked down upon in MCA. My other pastors have listened, cared and engaged in civil debates with me. Even though I no longer attend church, I can honestly say my experience in the A/G was a good one because, though I frequently disagreed with them, they were good, honest people trying to follow what they thought was best (just like me). They never ostracized me and still treat me with kindness and warmth. They gently called-out people who tried to ostracize others.
    I am sorry you did not have the same experience. I would like to think my churches were the standard and not exceptions, but I do not know. I’m so sorry. You’ve been through enough without crazy, misguided people trying to shove their brand of “saved” down your throat.

    1. GlassTexan,
      You did have a wonderful experience! I respect anyone who has the qualities your pastors had. I think a healthy dialogue and learning for both parties can occur that way.
      It’s interesting sometimes how life hands us something we weren’t always equipped to deal with, but must certainly deal with. Like my mom always said, “Life isn’t a bed of roses.”
      Lisa

      1. You’re doing your best to make sure others don’t have to experience some of the crap we did, so at least you’re making the world a better place. That’s the next best thing to a bed of roses, I guess. 🙂

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