If I End Up Single…

If C and I break up, here’s my plan:

1. Send off my book proposal in the next year.

2. Raise my Credit Score.

3. Get a book deal.

4. Buy a house.

5. Have a baby.

 

All of those are pretty much the same “plans” but I wasn’t going to have a baby so soon. However, my clock is ticking and I really don’t see the point in waiting–especially if I’m not dating anyone.

 

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The One Who Got Away

Following yesterday’s “near breakup” Chris and I are still together.

But we still have the same questions:

Will it work out?

Will we be in the same place as we are now two years from now?

Will we ever be on the same page (re: marriage/kids)?

I’ve always dated younger men and I’ve always had these same questions. Five (or so) years ago, I met Matt. He was nearly everything I’d ever wanted in a boyfriend and we had a great relationship. But months down the road, our age difference and the geographical distance between us took it’s toll. He got distant emotionally and when I pressed him he said, “It’s not love. It’s everything else. I love you but it’s just not working.”

Sometimes love isn’t enough. Sometimes you need all the other pieces to the puzzle–living close together, like personalities, similar ages or stages in life, similar goals or priorities.

It’s the worst feeling in the world to break up with someone you love amiably, having no hard feelings.

Matt and I broke up in 2005 and a few months later he flew back to see me and asked me to come back to him.

It was too late.

I was already dating someone new. Ruben. Ruben turned out to be a terrible boyfriend (nice enough, but unintelligent and always trying to change me). I should’ve gone with Matt. He took me to dinner and we talked and he told me sorry. He didn’t want to lose me.

I was stubborn. I wanted it all. I wanted perfection. I wanted to move to Spokane, Washington months earlier and since Matt had acted uninterested, I stubbornly said no. I let him walk away. I’d given up on “us”.

Two years later, I tried to get Matt back. He refused. He’d had too many broken hearts and didn’t trust women. I tried and tried and tried for months. He finally stopped emailing me back.

It’s happened to me before…twice before. I lost Jason when I was 17. I broke up with him in order to prepare for Master’s Commission and their “no dating” rule. I was stupid for breaking up with Jason, but I was zealous and dumb. I thought in order to love Jesus more, I had to be single like Master’s Commission taught me.

Jason never forgave me and went on to be happily married. He and his wife just welcomed their first daughter.

It took me over ten years to get over Jason. I’ll always love him. He was the one who got away. My first true love. The one I still believe I should’ve married, instead of letting go.

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