In Which I’m Sappy About My Boyfriend

I have this habit of simultaneously being confessional and sappy. I apologize. Unless you like it, then I don’t apologize. (I’m a people pleaser.)

The boyfriend and I had a heart to heart last night. About a lot of things. For one, I was just frustrated with people–my family has been giving me shit; people on the internet have never ending amounts of shit coming out of their mouth; and I was just tired. One person I was having issues with on the internet was a person I really had come to care about who I felt misinterpreted some things I said and was judging me. It turned into a huge misunderstanding and one of those very uncomfortable conversations you have to have with people. Or you can delete those people–but I liked her!

As I talked to the boyfriend about it, he began to make too much sense–talking about how it’s normal for friends to have disagreements and it’s normal for you to go through stages where you like your friends and then you don’t, or you get irritated by them. I’m not good with “normal” usually, but he was making a hell of a lot of sense. So I apologized to said online friend. I realized he was right and that I definitely overreacted. It’s okay for someone to misinterpret something I said or even disagree with me. Phew.

And then he moved on to something far more difficult for me to handle. It wasn’t “pick on Lisa” night at all. We were just talking–we’ve become quite close and we talk every night before bed. But he started explaining to me how I pressure him about things–like transferring schools mid-degree and moving here (we’re long distance). Yeah, so here’s my confession: I pressure ALL the guys I date to commit within the first month. Don’t ask. I know it’s crazy/dumb/psycho. But you know, everyone has their hangups and I have one (million).

But this is what I like about the guy-instead of waiting 6 months and being fed up with it and then breaking up with me like the last few boyfriends, he’s getting straight down to business within a few weeks of the issue and communicating to me how it makes him feel. This shows me he’s a good communicator and he’s self-aware. But more than anything-that he really cares about me because he’s STILL here. It has definitely scared of plenty of guys before (and I often wonder, Would this be an issue if I were lesbian?) so it most certainly could’ve scared him off as well.

Today I’m thankful to have him in my life–he’s already helped make me a better person but more than all that, he’s teaching me how to be loved (and that is quite hard for me). Hopefully our “chapters” in our stories will continue on and on…I really like this one.

I Am Not A Robot

I lost quite a few friends over being overly political and outspoken about being atheist. Not wanting to lose all my friends (or fight with everyone) I worked on being more diplomatic. Diplomacy isn’t a bad thing, especially for an activist. I’ve been doing well but I’m still navigating this complicated space of someone who has major reasons to detest organized religion and the stories that could make some belief systems crumble. Even when I word things well, people get all irate. All people get irate. I don’t always feel I’m wrong but I’m not always right. There are more global concerns someone like me needs to consider when discussing religion and I’d rather bite my tongue than speak in a way that miscommunicates my concerns. In fact, I’m not even sure I want to continue what I do, but you’ve heard this before.

Ironically, I recently lost a friend over being too moderate. I was attacked by someone I care about for that. Why do people put politics and religion before people?

I’m going to continue to be myself and I am going to put people first in my life who respect that. You won’t always agree but I will always treat you fairly as long as you do the same. I’m not going to change who I am because of political mobs of people who act more fundamentalist than Pat Robertson. I am not a robot and I feel that as humans we should be able to grow past labels that confine us and move beyond stifling constraints. We should be free, especially our minds. If that means we’re lonely, then fine.

I’ve been taught so many lessons about people in my life and I’m not finished learning. All of these people’s reactions prove that very few people (including myself) are actually open-minded and friendships are more fickle than I thought. People will worship you when they need you and discard you when you don’t conform to who they want you to be. I care about those people…to a point. But in the words of my friend Brenda, I don’t need people like that in my life. And neither do you.