28 Things You Should Know Before Dating Me

I sometimes read the Thought Catalog. Their narratives are entertaining and the other day they had this list/post: 33 Things You Should Know Before Dating Me. While it may be a tiny bit late for me to write this (I recently went “Facebook Official” on my relationship), I love this list & had to borrow a few from them. Here’s my list:

1. I made it with a girl once. In a threesome.

2. No, I will not have a threesome with you. Ever.

3. I will offer to pay for my own part of the first date. Mostly because I want to be polite and also because I don’t care about who pays. And because I like nice things but I don’t expect you to always pay for them.

4. While I can be a total snob (I’m a book snob and I love art films. I even have a thing for really good music.) I love pop culture in a non-ironic way. If you do not, get over yourself, or we will never be compatible.

5. I live like a bachelor. I wouldn’t even mind if you’re great at cleaning, cooking and grocery shopping. I’m almost out of beer, by the way.

6. You will drive most of the time. I hate driving unless I’m completely alone and need to think.

7. I love sex. But there’s nothing better than cuddling.

8. I’ll write about you. Often. If we have amazing sex, you may become a featured character in my erotica. If you ever treat me like an asshole and we’re broken up, you will be completely humilated in something I write.

9. I can cook actually cook, clean and make tea like a Southern Belle. If you expect this, I’ll dump a hot plate of food on your crotch.

10. I am not a lady. Don’t ask me to be one. Don’t ask me to change.

11. I cry. A lot. Over movies, commercials, puppies. Over missing you.

12. Are you a cat hater? We can’t even be friends.

13. I judge the shit out of everyone. Always have. It’d be nice if you could join me.

14. Sitting on the beach is preferable to long walks. I tire easily and sand is annoying.

15. I drink to write sometimes which leads to less good writing than expected.

16. There are stretches of time where brushing my teeth is not a priority. Related, I am cool without a shower for at least 1.5 days.

17. If we become Facebook Official, you will have hundreds of eyes spying on you after the announcement is made. They’ll silently judge you/be jealous of you/wonder what I see in you because they think I’m a mini-goddess. I am not. I’m actually lucky to have you.

18. I have been known to get very jealous. I prefer to call it passion.

19. If we’ve drank too much, I will want to have very drunk, all-night sex with you. Try to keep up.

20. I am shit at lying. I can’t do it well, so expect complete honesty and full-disclosure. Painfully so.

21. I enjoy pornography about as much as most men. Maybe a bit more.

22. I will set up incredibly romantic dates and weekends, but if you could figure out how to follow my lead and set up dinner reservations and candle lit sex afterward on occassion, you’d be my hero.

23. Flowers and diamonds are incredibly thoughtful, but I am very picky. Let me pick out the big stuff, or at least ask what I like. Or go see Brenda.

24. There will be times I choose to be alone or isolate myself. I need time to think/write/create. I’m also irritable. I’ve never lived with a significant other and I expect it to be a complete disaster.

25. I suffer from depression. You may never understand this side of me, but just don’t be an asshole. I’m on top of my shit.

26. I’ve always wanted to be swept off my feet. If you can somehow manage to do this, you’ll have my heart.

27. I don’t trust easily, even though I pretend to.

28. Smart is sexy. If you can carry a conversation with me for hours on end, you’ll win me over.

That Awkward Moment When I Realize I AM the Overly Attached Girlfriend

You’ve heard of the overly attached girlfriend meme, right? No? What do you do with your free time (ahem, not Internet, apparently)?!

Over the course of the past year, I’ve realized I may lean more toward the overly attached girlfriend than the “normal” girlfriend. I’ve had two people dump me in the past year by saying something along the lines of, “You talk about marriage and babies way too soon.” AKA, EVER! Men just can’t deal with commitment or marriage/babies talk.

I’m not quite this bad:

 

 

 

 

 

But I have done stuff like this (maybe last week):

 

 

 

 

Last week was when I realized I was way too overly attached INSTANTLY. It happened when I started dating (aka went on one date and then he was over it) a really short guy, who on the first date, told me he wanted to have kids within the next five years (So? What’s your point? I thought. If you’d taken me to the Holiday Inn, I could’ve done something about that, but I’m eating a salad now.) Later that weekend, I told my friend and her husband that he said this over lunch and my friends husbands eyes got so big from surprise. Mental note: apparently that’s weird. (But I didn’t quite think so, because I’d have done the same thing)

I suppose I didn’t think it was weird because I’m worse. If I’m not engaged by week three, I start the crazy, obsessive girl diatribe.

What? You don’t LOVE me? I say.

If you really loved me, you would want to be with me forever–like Mormons do.  

Ugh, I just want to settle down. My cats need a father. It’s what they’ve been MISSING in life.

I’m crazy and no one LOVESSSSSS me.

I carry on like this for a few months or until they dump me. It’s true. Men just can’t handle this–not even short, gamer nerds who are just as bad.

The truth is, therapy is fucking expensive. I know I have daddy issues, being raised with an alcoholic issues, abandonment issues, and dozens more. I know I do, although the revelation has just become apparently. Did I mention therapy is expensive? Several hundred dollars a month!

I also have…committment issues. (See? I can’t even commit to a full sentence. I have to use ellipses.) When I was young, my mom and stepdad fought so long and often that they were constantly on the verge of getting a divorce. I think I was traumatized, so I’ve never been able to commit. It’s weird–I want to be in a relationship for the companionship but I have rarely been able to picture my life with any of the guys I’ve dated. In fact, at this point in my life I don’t want to be married and I certainly won’t do so without a pre-nup.

Recently, my parents decided to officially split up. It’s been a really rough past few months, and I’m not sure why but it really hit me hard. My initial reaction was, Damn, I definitely don’t want to get married now. Now it’s more like, I’m 31 and have never been married and now I’ve got so many issues I’m going to end up alone. People keep saying, “Oh, well at least you’re older. It won’t affect you.” But the truth is, I’m incredibly sensitive and it does affect me. I mean, my family is falling apart.

I’m way too honest on the Internet.  And in real life. And on first dates.

I also sleep with people on the first date (usually, except not with ugly people). I know society has this rule that most people follow and I had an asshole friend tell me that this short dude probably dumped me because I slept with him on the first date and he thought I was a floozy, but you know what? I don’t care. I am not interested in playing games. If I like someone, and I want to sleep with them, then I will. And then I’ll cry if they don’t fall in love with me immediately.

 

This weekend, I watched Young Adult with Charlize Theron. And then I wanted to  kill myself because Mavis, the main character, really reminded me of myself. She’s got the perfect life in every way possible with the exception of her love life. She’s also always unhappy and suffers from depression (although, aren’t those two things often interconnected? being unhappy and depressed?). She’s essentially a train wreck and a bit lot like me. So she goes back to her hometown to look up her ex boyfriend and try to get back together with him, because, of course, he must love her and want to be with her.

Not that I’ve done this recently. Ahem. Okay, I can’t lie. I’ve looked up an ex boyfriend recently. Whatever.

My point is, I can’t tell what’s wrong with me anymore. I’m sick of everything and everyone, and I can’t tell if I’m actually fucked up or if I’m just doing the depressed thing where I feel guilty about everything and can’t be nice to myself. If you’ve ever read William Styron’s book Darkness Visible, he’s got a great line in there about how depression is about self-hatred. This is more true than you’ll ever know.

I don’t really know how to “fix” this whole overly attached thing, and I think to compound issues I don’t think I’m meeting the right guys anymore. I keep doing that pet project thing, where I date people who are fucked up in some way and I want to help them. I don’t know if I realized I was doing that until I met a dude like me (ambitious, has their shit together, etc) and I was really attracted to this person. Attracted to them in such a way that felt right and felt like I would be comfortable being myself around them and not wondering if my opinions or success would offend them. That was a nice feeling. (Damn, I really have been settling.)

My family has been trying to tell me for years that I’ve been dating beneath what I should be and that I’ve been settling. Of course I ignored them. What do they know? I think I’ve inadvertently been dating ugly dudes or unsuccessful dudes thinking…and this sounds terrible…that they won’t leave me because they’ll never find anything better. Too honest? Oh well. I was proved wrong years ago, when I dated someone so embarrassingly ugly and he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend. Even ugly people can be assholes.

So, I’ve written this blog post with you in mind. To those of you who know that EVERYTHING in my life is going stellar: I have a fucking fantastic job, some TV shit going on, a book that’s been requested by some great publishers, and I live in one of the most amazing areas of Southern California. And just to brag for a second: everything I put my mind to doing, gets done (and done well). I’m on a bit of a professional high–shit is coming together in ways I never thought it would. But, I wanted to let you know that even with a near-perfect life, one thing hasn’t ever been perfect–my love life. And I seriously doubt it ever will. So, when I’m sitting on the beach drinking a beer or talking to my agent about future projects and you’re stuck with crying children or a smelly husband, just remember this post. And take joy in the fact that even when I’m rich and famous, I’ll still be alone…

Except for the hot sex I’m having with my boy toy.

 

 

Boys & Dating & Anxiety

I think people like me shouldn’t be allowed to date. I have the worst anxiety when it comes to meeting new people–and my expectations are so high. I’m such a fucking sappy ass–I just want my relationship to be springtime in Paris, with puppies and raindrops on roses…and even if you think something is going perfect, in a relationship (even the brand new ones) it doesn’t matter what YOU think is happening–things must be mutual and sometimes the other persons interest, or lack of interest or fading interest can fuck up my perfect little springtime fantasy (like when you have sex with a guy and then he checks his OkCupid account when you’re lying in his bed naked….that. And then your best friend tells you how stupid it is to sleep with someone on the first date, or 2nd date and how that’s not any way to get a long-term relationship). And sometimes, things are going fine but in my mind, they’re not regardless of how much you tell someone with anxiety to stop stressing, it just doesn’t happen. (See also: the most emo blog online)