I’m Bitter and Angry

Recently, an old church friend from Austin, TX deleted my Facebook Fan Page.

Her comment was simple, but really condescending (see Beth’s comment at the top of the thread):

So, of course, I had to email her to ask her why she deleted me. Usually, I don’t care when someone deletes me. After all, I know who I am, and how feisty I am, so I expect it. However, if someone says I’ve “gone over the edge” and calls it “sad” it makes me curious.

Here’s my message to her, her response, and what I had to say after finding out why she deleted me:

I think my main problem is this:

Why is it a crime for someone who’s been abused from a pastor and a ministry to be bitter and angry?

Is being bitter and angry part of a natural grieving process? I thought it was. In fact, professionals say over and over that anger is a natural part of the grieving process. In my opinion, to criticize someone for going through the grieving process is incredibly unkind.

Also, let’s discuss my going “over the edge.” In the past few months, here’s a recap of how “over the edge” I’ve gone and what she means:

I’m not a Christian anymore. What that means to my former “friends” like this lady is that I’m “going to hell” or “walking with the devil” or any number of other ridiculous terms. It also means I’m not obsessed with what she thinks, including the fact that I may cuss, support the #prochoice movement, and by all means hope that abusers of young adults and children go to jail, where they belong.

I post videos on YouTube speaking my mind. Back in the day, I was in a church where it was frowned upon for women to speak their mind. When I lived there, it was also shunned to speak your mind against a PASTOR who did wrong. I’m breaking both of those unwritten rules. People who leave cults are often discouraged from doing so. They’ve been taught for so many years that pastors can do no wrong, and that if they think their pastor is wrong, they’re of the devil. I’m going against the way I was taught, and the way these people believe by speaking my mind.

I’m less conservative than I used to be. Some even call me liberal. I don’t vote Republican anymore. I don’t carry a gun. I don’t like Sarah Palin. I don’t think having sex is a sin.

I read academic sources more than I listen to a pastors sermons. I haven’t been to church in years and am a happier, better rested person for it. I love my non-church life. I have free time to pursue my real love–writing and trashy reality TV shows. Or, having sex.

So, have I gone over the edge?

No.

Unless you’re a fundamentalist Christian. And then, I probably appear to have gone over the edge. In fact, I’m probably going to go to hell for blasphemy and sin. But, luckily, I don’t believe in hell, so it’s cool.

I’m happy in a new world with a new way of thinking that includes loving myself and others, believing in the best in people, thinking for ones self, appreciating those around me who care about me and pushing away those who don’t care about me.

These days, I’m a huge fan of respect. I respect others. I even respect others who find their religious beliefs sacred. I respect others who are very different than I am.

All I’m asking for is the same thing in return. I don’t have religious beliefs anymore. Respect that. If you want to delete me on Facebook, I don’t mind. Just don’t be an asshole about it and make a big stink. It won’t change me.

I’m Back, Full Force: Let’s Do This Shit!

In a recent profile on Brad Pitt, Salon talked about earlier parts of Brad’s career and what changed him over the years. Brad has come into his own as a great actor (and not just a pretty face) over the years, but as it turns out, he wasn’t always embracing the moment life had given him. He says:

For a long time I thought I did too much damage – drug damage. I was a bit of a drifter. A guy who felt he grew up in something of a vacuum and wanted to see things, wanted to be inspired. I followed that other thing. I spent years f–king off. But then I got burnt out and felt that I was wasting my opportunity. It was a conscious change. This was about a decade ago. It was an epiphany – a decision not to squander my opportunities. It was a feeling of get up. Because otherwise, what’s the point?

I spent the ’90s trying to hide out, trying to duck the full celebrity cacophony. It wigged me out a bit. I started to get sick of myself sitting on a couch, holding a joint, hiding out. It started feeling pathetic. It became very clear to me that I was so intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself. (Emphasis my own)

As many of you personally know, I’ve had a rough time with attention (good and bad) and bouts of paranoia last year. In fact, the last two years have been brutal. Absolutely a wreck. I started hiding and even then I didn’t feel that great. I was planning on shutting my blog and social media (even private profiles) down completely and running off…line. I deleted hundreds of friends in an attempt to get more privacy and mainly because I was having a tough time figuring out who the Jesus trolls and haters were.

It was overwhelming. All of it. I could go on, but it was Dark with a capital D.

A few weeks ago I sat down with a very nice therapist with Great Hair. We talked about all of this–my blog, my story, my need for boundaries. As I talked it all out, I started seeing things more clearly and started realizing that this was manageable and it didn’t have to suffocate me like it was. I started to feel great again. Happy, even. Maybe I could DO this for real, I thought. I even got a “fuck it, who cares?” attitude about whether my mom or family reads my blog.

And suddenly, over the past few weeks, something miraculous has happened. My sense of humor came back. I don’t consider myself a comedienne but I sure as hell am starting to realize that sometimes, I am just that. I’m also a writer, sure, but not the kind of writer I thought I was or I was trained to be. I’m evolving. Plus, who needs categories all the time? Creators create.

My blog has been the bane of my existence the past 2 years because I just could not handle the eyes staring at me, and I’m not certain that’s going to change, so bear with me if I have an Amanda Bynes moment. I’m probably going to need Great Hair/therapist for awhile and that’s okay.

What’s about to happen now is what Brad Pitt talked about above: homegirl is going to embrace the shit out of it all and go for it. I’m not going to squander my opportunities anymore or hide from the ones sitting in front of me, because trust me, I have done just that over and over. I felt like Brad did and it’s a shitty ass feeling:

But then I got burnt out and felt that I was wasting my opportunity. It was a conscious change. This was about a decade ago. It was an epiphany – a decision not to squander my opportunities. It was a feeling of get up. Because otherwise, what’s the point?

The other day I spoke with someone in the TV industry and she was like “It’s great to talk to someone who’s doing it…creating. So many of us want to do just that.” I know, girl. For my entire life I wanted to create and I could not find my voice, my niche, until I started blogging. And then I lost it because I was scared and self-conscious. Well, I’ve found it again and I don’t give a fuck who says I over-share or disagrees with my opinions or doesn’t laugh at my jokes. It’s my life, right Bon Jovi?

It is going to trip me out still that things I say online are going to bother so many people, including half of my family members who don’t know that I’m really just joking.

hell to the no
When I blog, people on the internet be like…

 

But at the end of the day, I’m going to regret it if I don’t live my dreams and I am the single person who is currently holding myself back from all that. 

So, let’s do this shit!

teddy beardancing doc

dancing 2

FYI, I have heard the “Don’t forget me when you’re famous” line from SO many of you which is funny on many levels because: A) No one here is going to get famous, so chill. B) In the event I get popular, I will absolutely still be myself and we can do Google hangouts*. Deal?

If you enjoy what I post on my personal profile or my fan page, please help out by sharing my posts when you like them.

*Google hangouts subject to my nap time with cats schedule.

 

I Wish

I wish I had one of those mommy blogs where everyone talks about their kids all day and I gave away My Little Pony apps. But I don’t.

Instead, I have one of those blogs where the weirdo fundamentalists come out of hiding every once in awhile and act all bat shit crazy, misspelling their grievances about me and wasting my time.

I’m not gonna lie, it sometimes makes me want to quit. I have a great sense of humor and can think of a hundred ways to cuss them out, but sometimes I just don’t understand them. And who wants to spend all day cussing them out? I have a life. Remember yesterdays post about enjoying life? My life is filled with days at the beach and I like to keep it that way.

They want me to quit, though, right? They want to silence me, because I’ve left my “pastor’s covering” where I was silenced for years. So they tell me I’m narcissistic and “just like the church I’m writing about” and that I’m stupid.

But the thing is, I’m not stupid and I’m far more ethical than any church and I might be a tad narcissistic and I might even be angry or bitter or hurt but I admit all that to you. So that’s not news to anyone, and if it’s news to them and they think they’re making a huge claim that’s going to “out me” then they’re dumb.

And then there’s the “you won’t post my comment” bullshit. Hey, mother f*cker, I pay for this website, so I essentially can do whatever I want with it. But to be fair, read the comment policy because I have one and I follow it. Or check back later, because I do approve nearly all of the comments posted here (even the hateful ones). It just takes time to get through them–especially because I don’t get cell phone service on the beach.