The Urge to Nest

nest

This originally appeared on LisaKerr.net. Read the piece here. This is Part I of a series about turning thirty, getting closer to my family, and finally deciding to settle down. Read Part II here and Part III here

Something happened when I turned thirty.

I started missing my parents, even though I lived two hours away. I worried about their health. My friends’ parents were having major health issues and passing away at young ages and my own parents were starting their annual physicals and colonoscopies, sometimes with discussions about “what they found.” I began to realize that they weren’t going to be around forever. I was growing up and they were growing older. I could feel myself aging.

I started feeling the need to settle down and the urge to nest. I wanted to find a home I could stay in for decades, instead of an apartment that I changed from time to time. I was single, and not 100% sure I really wanted kids, so I adopted a rescue puppy. I didn’t realize she would make me want to both have a child and make me question the idea of having kids all at once. A year has passed now, and we have survived the puppy stage. We’ve house-trained. We’ve obedience trained. Kids might not be so hard, right?

During college, I promised myself I would publish at least one book before getting pregnant. It was one way to keep me focused on working toward my dreams. But as I aged, and as my second set of friends started talking about having kids (the first set of friends started having kids around their mid-twenties), I started wondering what it would be like to be pregnant with my closest friends who were pinning things to their Babies! boards on Pinterest). I also started wondering what I was actually waiting for.

Love, of course. I was waiting for love. But I was also simultaneously avoiding it.

I was also waiting to move away from L.A. where most of the men I met didn’t want kids…probably because many of them were still so immature. I figured if I stayed in that city I would have to be a single mom and the single moms I knew (who did amazing jobs raising their kids) cautioned me at how hard it was. I knew they were right. I had been a nanny in my early twenties and even that was difficult.

But more than babies, I wanted to fall in love like I had only a few times in my life. The last time I’d fallen in love was when I was twenty-six and he’d moved away. Sometime after the move and our failed attempt to keep a long-distance relationship working, we’d broken each other’s hearts.

He and I had met through a mutual friend in my hometown and we were instantly swept up in love. Within a month, we’d made love in one of the most intimate moments I’d had with a man. We’d watched baseball games together. We’d dressed up together for romantic dinners. And then at the end of that month, he told me what I already knew: that he was moving and we’d have to say goodbye soon–at least until he could afford to move me up there. He told me he wanted me to visit soon and he followed through with sending me a plane ticket to come for my twenty-sixth birthday. While I was there, we laid on the couch together and he gave me a simple, pink heart diamond necklace and we kissed each other in a way I thought meant he’d be the last man I kissed.

He wasn’t.

We fell apart for reasons that usually exist when you attempt to do a long-distance relationship. Sometimes, no matter how much in love you are, the timing is wrong and the distance makes it complicated. But I knew from experience with him that there were good men out there; men who wanted a family and kids; men who treated women well; men who were honest about who they were and what they wanted. As I entered my thirties, I knew I needed to stop dating men who weren’t like that. I needed to reevaluate who I’d been dating and sleeping with. But more than that, I needed to understand what my desires were telling me. I was ready to find someone amazing. I was happy in nearly every area of my life except this one missing piece and except for the itch that kept reappearing: I wanted to settle down and find someone to start a family with.

Image from Pinterest.

Read Part II here and Part III here

How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work

This post contains some NSFW content

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I’ve worked myself into a few long distance relationships here and there. It wasn’t supposed to be that way, it was supposed to end before the move or before the trip was over, but alas that’s just not how it went.

No matter how much Skype and texting was involved, an ever-growing empty feeling massed inside of me and I did nothing but count down the days until I got to see that person again; it became all-consuming.

A good friend of mine frequently lives transatlantically, hopping back and forth between the US and Spain and has managed to keep several LDR’s afloat, so there is hope for those of you out there embarking on this journey.

However, I don’t recommend doing it if you both have a lot of trust issues either because cheating is ten times easier when you live in separate cities, states or countries.

But if you’re adamant about signing up for a long-distance relationship anyway, here’s some advice.

  • Talk to your significant other. Obviously, you’ll be doing a lot of that, but really talk to them and gauge what their expectations are for this relationship. You may find that they differ from yours and it will be good to set some ground rules before you truly get yourself committed.
  • Secondly, invest in a good web cam if your computer doesn’t already have one built in. We are fortunate enough to have video chat capabilities these days and that alone will help bridge the distance gap immensely.
  • Begin saving money, because you’ll be shelling out lots of money between the phone bills, the travel and the random gifts.
  • Fourth, get yourself a really great vibrator or fleshlight–believe me, you’re going to need it. Not being able to see you partner for months on end, means you won’t be getting laid for months on end that is if you haven’t arranged an open relationship. After about a month, you’re going to realize just how frustrated you can get. So keep them on hand so that you can take care of frustrations and inspire moments of phone sex. I recommend checking out the Adam & Eve collection.

Some quick tips are:

Make an effort to talk to your partner at least once a day.

Take on similar activities, so you can both discuss them and grow together that way.

And engage in activities at the same time, such as watching a show together.

A long distance relation can work out, but it takes a lot of hard work, trust and hope.

This post was brought to you by the Adam & Eve collection.