That Awkward Moment When I Realize I AM the Overly Attached Girlfriend

You’ve heard of the overly attached girlfriend meme, right? No? What do you do with your free time (ahem, not Internet, apparently)?!

Over the course of the past year, I’ve realized I may lean more toward the overly attached girlfriend than the “normal” girlfriend. I’ve had two people dump me in the past year by saying something along the lines of, “You talk about marriage and babies way too soon.” AKA, EVER! Men just can’t deal with commitment or marriage/babies talk.

I’m not quite this bad:

 

 

 

 

 

But I have done stuff like this (maybe last week):

 

 

 

 

Last week was when I realized I was way too overly attached INSTANTLY. It happened when I started dating (aka went on one date and then he was over it) a really short guy, who on the first date, told me he wanted to have kids within the next five years (So? What’s your point? I thought. If you’d taken me to the Holiday Inn, I could’ve done something about that, but I’m eating a salad now.) Later that weekend, I told my friend and her husband that he said this over lunch and my friends husbands eyes got so big from surprise. Mental note: apparently that’s weird. (But I didn’t quite think so, because I’d have done the same thing)

I suppose I didn’t think it was weird because I’m worse. If I’m not engaged by week three, I start the crazy, obsessive girl diatribe.

What? You don’t LOVE me? I say.

If you really loved me, you would want to be with me forever–like Mormons do.  

Ugh, I just want to settle down. My cats need a father. It’s what they’ve been MISSING in life.

I’m crazy and no one LOVESSSSSS me.

I carry on like this for a few months or until they dump me. It’s true. Men just can’t handle this–not even short, gamer nerds who are just as bad.

The truth is, therapy is fucking expensive. I know I have daddy issues, being raised with an alcoholic issues, abandonment issues, and dozens more. I know I do, although the revelation has just become apparently. Did I mention therapy is expensive? Several hundred dollars a month!

I also have…committment issues. (See? I can’t even commit to a full sentence. I have to use ellipses.) When I was young, my mom and stepdad fought so long and often that they were constantly on the verge of getting a divorce. I think I was traumatized, so I’ve never been able to commit. It’s weird–I want to be in a relationship for the companionship but I have rarely been able to picture my life with any of the guys I’ve dated. In fact, at this point in my life I don’t want to be married and I certainly won’t do so without a pre-nup.

Recently, my parents decided to officially split up. It’s been a really rough past few months, and I’m not sure why but it really hit me hard. My initial reaction was, Damn, I definitely don’t want to get married now. Now it’s more like, I’m 31 and have never been married and now I’ve got so many issues I’m going to end up alone. People keep saying, “Oh, well at least you’re older. It won’t affect you.” But the truth is, I’m incredibly sensitive and it does affect me. I mean, my family is falling apart.

I’m way too honest on the Internet.  And in real life. And on first dates.

I also sleep with people on the first date (usually, except not with ugly people). I know society has this rule that most people follow and I had an asshole friend tell me that this short dude probably dumped me because I slept with him on the first date and he thought I was a floozy, but you know what? I don’t care. I am not interested in playing games. If I like someone, and I want to sleep with them, then I will. And then I’ll cry if they don’t fall in love with me immediately.

 

This weekend, I watched Young Adult with Charlize Theron. And then I wanted to  kill myself because Mavis, the main character, really reminded me of myself. She’s got the perfect life in every way possible with the exception of her love life. She’s also always unhappy and suffers from depression (although, aren’t those two things often interconnected? being unhappy and depressed?). She’s essentially a train wreck and a bit lot like me. So she goes back to her hometown to look up her ex boyfriend and try to get back together with him, because, of course, he must love her and want to be with her.

Not that I’ve done this recently. Ahem. Okay, I can’t lie. I’ve looked up an ex boyfriend recently. Whatever.

My point is, I can’t tell what’s wrong with me anymore. I’m sick of everything and everyone, and I can’t tell if I’m actually fucked up or if I’m just doing the depressed thing where I feel guilty about everything and can’t be nice to myself. If you’ve ever read William Styron’s book Darkness Visible, he’s got a great line in there about how depression is about self-hatred. This is more true than you’ll ever know.

I don’t really know how to “fix” this whole overly attached thing, and I think to compound issues I don’t think I’m meeting the right guys anymore. I keep doing that pet project thing, where I date people who are fucked up in some way and I want to help them. I don’t know if I realized I was doing that until I met a dude like me (ambitious, has their shit together, etc) and I was really attracted to this person. Attracted to them in such a way that felt right and felt like I would be comfortable being myself around them and not wondering if my opinions or success would offend them. That was a nice feeling. (Damn, I really have been settling.)

My family has been trying to tell me for years that I’ve been dating beneath what I should be and that I’ve been settling. Of course I ignored them. What do they know? I think I’ve inadvertently been dating ugly dudes or unsuccessful dudes thinking…and this sounds terrible…that they won’t leave me because they’ll never find anything better. Too honest? Oh well. I was proved wrong years ago, when I dated someone so embarrassingly ugly and he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend. Even ugly people can be assholes.

So, I’ve written this blog post with you in mind. To those of you who know that EVERYTHING in my life is going stellar: I have a fucking fantastic job, some TV shit going on, a book that’s been requested by some great publishers, and I live in one of the most amazing areas of Southern California. And just to brag for a second: everything I put my mind to doing, gets done (and done well). I’m on a bit of a professional high–shit is coming together in ways I never thought it would. But, I wanted to let you know that even with a near-perfect life, one thing hasn’t ever been perfect–my love life. And I seriously doubt it ever will. So, when I’m sitting on the beach drinking a beer or talking to my agent about future projects and you’re stuck with crying children or a smelly husband, just remember this post. And take joy in the fact that even when I’m rich and famous, I’ll still be alone…

Except for the hot sex I’m having with my boy toy.

 

 

Is He “The One”?

After yesterday’s major celebrity split, the boyfriend and I spent a few minutes talking about it and then later over lunch we talked some more about marriage. The boyfriend is pretty old-fashioned when it comes to marriage–he thinks when you get married, you should stay married (with the exception, of course, to abuse and that sort of thing).

I don’t think I really buy into the whole “sanctity of marriage” idea. I think people should be free to divorce if they need to. I mean, some people can be real assholes. There’s no need to stick it out with someone who’s an ass. My opinion is that if you’re going to get married, you should probably know the person really well and you should be older and settled in life. Of course that doesn’t happen all the time, but if it did, maybe there’d be less divorce.

Last night, the boyfriend and I went out with our friends, R & J. They’re Indian. J explained to us that Indians often have arranged marriages, so the boyfriend asked what they thought of that. J said that his parents had an arranged marriage and it’s worked out well for them. He also said that when you first start dating someone, you spend so many years getting to know them and it’s usually the fun stage. Then you get married and spend the rest of your marriage dealing with the tough times. Arranged marriages tend to give the couple a chance to get to know one another and go through the fun stages once the marriage starts.

I’m going to be honest: I think I want to marry the boyfriend. Actually, if I knew he felt the same way (and wasn’t scared that he’d think I’m crazy), I’d tell him that. I’m sure in a matter of days I will tell him. I’m impulsive like that. And I’m sure he won’t mind.

And maybe he’ll feel the same way. Who knows? Our relationship has been pretty magical–not to sound super cheesy, but don’t they say, When you meet the person, you just know? And hopefully that is how it works, but I have a feeling it’s a lot more complicated and difficult than that.