Secrets

Secrets your church leadership is hiding. Secrets the Pope is covering up. Secrets are everywhere.

It’s ironic that Christian churches and leaders try to cover up secrets every day. Shouldn’t churches be transparent and honest? Especially if they’re teaching their “disciples” to be this way?

As you may have read, a pastor that I worked for and knew intimately was fired for stealing money from the church and for allegations of physically hurting a student. What typically happens in a situation like this, is that the secrets all come out in a meeting with the senior pastors and other important staff members, and then they tell the church something much more vague. This particular church is infamous for it. I should know. I was intimately tied to this pastor and the senior pastor. I know how these meetings work, what’s said in them, and that only particular people get the real story.

Isn’t that great for the person with the secret, though? I mean, after all, you don’t want to embarrass someone publicly do you?

I honestly think it’s complicated. My opinion is this–there’s such a brutality to exposing people’s secrets in public. After all, that’s what was done to us in Master’s Commission by this very leader. But when it’s the upper echelon of leadership that hundreds, if not thousands of people look up to, is it right to cover it up like it never happened? No. I don’t think it is. I think you’re causing harm in the church if you do that for many reasons.

One, think about your own self for a minute. Of course, we all have secrets. We all have broken a law, or hurt someone’s feelings or done some level of damage to people. Maybe you’ve stolen money, maybe you’ve stolen someone’s happiness. Whatever. My point is…aren’t pastors human, just like we are? Nod your head yes with me. They are. Regardless of what you might think, or who you might put on a pedestal, they are simply human.

With that being said, they shouldn’t be exempt from laws, like we are. Let me break it down. If I go into Macy’s and steal my favorite perfume, Versace Bright Crystal, and get caught I’m going to be punished.

Many people of all backgrounds look up to pastors, priests, Presidents. When you deny things that really happened for the sake of protecting the church’s reputation and in an attempt to continue the facade of the ¬†untouchable pastor or leader, you honestly do a real injustice to people. They’re not able to see you say the f-word in traffic, or wake up without makeup, etc. and soon they begin to believe that you are a god or something like one. It creates a false sense of reality when people begin to make mistakes of their own. Often people who look up to “perfect” pastors feel like they’re really messed up, or failures, because they can’t live as perfect as what they think someone else is living.

In all reality, every pastor or leader has a secret they’re hiding from their congregation. For some priests, it’s that they’re messing with the alter boys. For some pastors, it is stealing.

I think it’s time we all start being honest with ourselves and asking others to be honest, too.

My Second Therapist’s Diagnosis: PTSD

After my first therapist, I got health insurance that covered another therapist. My first meeting with her, she spent an hour going over my family history, my recent history, and any mental health conditions or symptoms I had. I’d recently developed anxiety and depression after leaving the cult in 2005. I spent all of 2005 and 2006 in bed crying–and intermittently going to class. When I was in class, I felt anxiety attacks coming on. My chest would start pounding and I’d feel out of breath for no reason. If I had to turn in a paper, or felt extra pressure of perfection from certain professors, I’d be unable to write my essays and classwork. I was terrified of what people thought of me and who was judging me everywhere I went.

This second therapist sat with me and ended the session asking me if I’d ever heard of post traumatic stress disorder.

“Sure,” I told her. “That’s what all the Vietnam War Veterans got when they came back, right? They get nightmares and stuff.”

She explained that war victims did, in fact get post traumatic stress disorder, but many other people also got PTSD. Rape victims and many other people could get it. She said she believed I had PTSD based on the symptoms I described to her. A lot of what she explained made sense. I would become afraid at loud noises; would wake up terrified from nightmares of getting yelled at by old pastors; and would shy away from relationships of all types.

For more information on PTSD, Depression or Anxiety, please look at the Resources I posted. I’ve included some great links. I’d also like to encourage you, if you or someone you know has suffered from spiritual or emotional abuse, please see a non-religious, professional therapist or psychiatrist for assessment. There are a lot of resources available. If you’d like to share your own story with me, please email me at mycultlife at gmail.com