Stepford Husbands: Write a List, Let God Manufacture Him

Patrick-Dempsey-and-son

Recently I was talking to my friend about wanting the perfect family, like we’d always dreamed of. Our conversation inspired this post.

On Writing a “Perfect Husband” List

We were taught this: ‘If I write a list of what I want in a man or a family, God will make it happen’ but you know, this isn’t Stepford, where men are created in a factory based on a list of criteria. There are very normal guys who want to date you, but probably won’t fit your list. Maybe you’ll like one of the guys who likes you or maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll date the guy you think is perfect for awhile and find out that even though you’re deeply in love, it isn’t working. I know we were taught to make it work, regardless, but it’s okay to let go. Maybe you’ll fall deeper in love at 50 than you were at 20. The point is–love and family isn’t as predictable as our pastors taught us. Some people are “unlucky” with love. Others get lonely and want a relationship. Neither person is wrong. Love never works out like we want and this is the reality of life; when it comes to love you can say what you want all day long but that doesn’t mean the List Guy will come waltzing in and rescue you from being lonely. In fact, this mentality sets relationships up for failure because we have all these expectations of how men and women should act (we think men should ask us out or they aren’t a “man”; and men think we shouldn’t be emotional because they put it on their list; or fill-in-the-blank with all the expectations we have from society, religion and culture and you have a big mess). We asked for it on a list, so we should be able to demand it from that person, right? Wrong. Our pastors were wrong.

Not that you can’t have what you want to some degree. I mean, you get to choose your partner and you can settle down anytime you want to with whomever you want to. It’s just that life isn’t a bed of roses and neither are relationships. Even the Perfect Guy is going to disappoint you from time to time; not because he’s a bad guy but because he’s a human.

At one point in time, being a wife was our number one priority. I have a feeling that your creative dreams are much more important to you now, and your ideal guy is probably very different now than it was then. Now, it’s probably more important to you to have a partner who supports you for your creative side and for the strong, determined woman you’ve become. Sometimes women who fit your profile (and mine) don’t settle down as soon as other women simply because we dream of making a living off being creative and that’s a hard thing to make happen while we’re supporting ourselves at our day jobs. That’s not to say our life choices are more important than women who choose to be mothers (and VICE VERSA); but it will explain a lot when you find yourself like me, 32 and your life looking a whole lot less traditional than you expected it to be. It’s okay. You will make sacrifices for your art and your career that other people won’t make and you will stay up all night rehearsing or learning new skills or working on your own projects without pay. The hard work will pay off one day, though, and even though your life won’t look anything like what you expected it to look like, it will in many ways look better than you could have planned and you will be more content because of that. Even if you don’t have the List Guy or his babies.

Things We Like on the Internet: Cats and Blogs

Things that are fun on the Internet:

Rich kids of Instagram. Duh. #getonmylevel (or really, anything making fun of Instagram) But seriously, who knew there were Louis Vuitton versions of guns of all things? Not this girl.

[By “we”, I mean “I”. But whatever.]

Things that are fun on the Internet:

Rich kids of Instagram. Duh. #getonmylevel (or really, anything making fun of Instagram) But seriously, who knew there were Louis Vuitton versions of guns of all things? Not this girl.

Yep, that’s Louis.

Thought Catalog because they are sarcastic and sappy at the same time. And that, my friends, is kind of hard to do.

The Aww section of Reddit. Some people say you could spend hours on there looking at adorable kittens and cats, with the occassional random baby (that nobody upvotes).

Say it with me now: “Awww”

And then, there’s this, which is not so much fun as it is true and honest:

I should acknowledge something that my friends and family don’t know. It was something I didn’t even know was true about myself until I sat down to write this story: I have a fantasy that someday, I’ll meet a man who is good with money and also wants to be with me. It is so weird to say that out loud, but when I was writing this and scanning my brain for a conclusion to my weighty money problem, I found this solution floating around my head. And I suddenly realized it’s what I have been waiting to happen all of my adult life, instead of just taking charge and getting a “real” job, and having a realistic relationship with money.

This comes from an article on xoJane.com titled, “I’m 32 and my family bankrolls my lifestyle”; which, I’ll be honest, has a this-is-Lisa ring to it. Except, that this was actually true just one year ago and isn’t true anymore. Sort of. (Small disclosure: my phone bill is a $20 something dollar add-on to a family plan.)

I have good reasons and all that, and the past few years were spent in college, so I get a free pass for those. Thanks.

Honestly, though, I have to admit I agree with Bree when she wrote that her solution was to marry a man who was good with money. Ahem. Oops. That was my plan, too. Until a few years ago recently, I decided to just sort of be oblivious and hope for the best and accept the parental bailout that was inevitable. And then I got my shit together.

Or, as some would say, fate sort of dropped a good job in my lap. Or, more accurately, fate and 12+ years of experience on Excel spreadsheets (not the most glamorous skill, I know) landed me in my current position (which shall-not-be-named) in this biotech company (which also shall-not-be-named, because it’s YOU, the Internet and you’re full of trolls and psychos who are actually normal people but super bitchy when you’re angry and think no one knows who you are. The gig is up–we all know who you are. Duh. IP address, genius.).

So, instead of finding a man, I found a job. Not your average English major job, thank god. But a job that allows me to stop thinking stupid shit like I used to think and get it together, man. On my own. Without mom or dad or the bf.

A Day In My Life

Britney Spears
Britney Spears / Source: US Magazine

Not that my life is all that exciting these days, but there are some surreal moments. Like sitting in the hair salon listening to the whispers all around me. “Britney Spears” was all I could hear and then the whispers turned into conversations. It turns out Britney was shopping next door and everyone was talking about how she was shopping alone. As if a celebrity couldn’t shop alone. lol One of the hairstylists put her stuff aside, grabbed her lipstick and touched it up and said, “I’ll be right back. I’m going to go next door.”

Really? People are so funny. Lipstick and everything.

I say it’s surreal to live here because as I’m reading a magazine about celebrities talking about living in L.A., I’m just shaking my head. The celebrity interviewing for the magazine was talking about his house in Bel Air and then how he moved to Brentwood and I could tell he feels a lot like I do about L.A. You kind of love it and hate it. The weather is amazing and then you settle in and get busy and your life just becomes L.A. and you don’t ever find a reason to leave. I think I finally went to that place in my relationship with L.A. I’m not the vegan-goes-to-farmer’s-markets yet (although I have gone, yes) kind of L.A. and I love and adore Silverlake but I won’t move there. I like my neighborhood–it’s like a stone’s throw from the beach and when I leave work I breath in the air and think…THIS, THIS is why I won’t move.

But part of L.A. is being around famous people or near famous people or those who would kill to be famous. It’s surreal to hear the gossip mags or TMZ say they were just following someone like two minutes away from me and I’m just sitting at work reading about it. We are SO obsessed with celebs, their lives and we think they’re these mysterious beings. They’re not. They are absolutely real people who need their space and who need to shop alone once in awhile.

I live in L.A. but the neighborhood I’m in is filled with celebs. For the record, I had no idea when I settled down. My sister is an alum from a local school and I found a job through her network there. Then I found another one–this one I’m at now–and just decided I needed to settle down and make a home. When I get Starbucks, people look familiar but I can’t place them until later. When I worked at the bookstore, the Smith’s kids came in and Willow was singing (she has a gorgeous voice) but I had no idea who they were. I’m not the kind of person who would freak out or get star struck over a celebrity and I really don’t care. I pity them because people are so harsh and invasive and I nearly always take the celebrity’s side when the whole world is against them (a la Britney’s hair shaving episode). Why? Because give people a fucking break and let them be a goddamn human, that’s why. Let them breath, let them cuss someone out if they feel like it. I don’t mean YOU, per se. I know you are all wonderful people and probably don’t treat celebrities any differently than other people.

Anyway, my hair looks amazing. Three hours and one Britney spotting later, but it looks great!

Note: Comments have been disabled until I have more time to respond to them individually or have a community manager to help respond back. I hope to add them back one day! Until then, there’s Facebook or Twitter.

Is He “The One”?

After yesterday’s major celebrity split, the boyfriend and I spent a few minutes talking about it and then later over lunch we talked some more about marriage. The boyfriend is pretty old-fashioned when it comes to marriage–he thinks when you get married, you should stay married (with the exception, of course, to abuse and that sort of thing).

I don’t think I really buy into the whole “sanctity of marriage” idea. I think people should be free to divorce if they need to. I mean, some people can be real assholes. There’s no need to stick it out with someone who’s an ass. My opinion is that if you’re going to get married, you should probably know the person really well and you should be older and settled in life. Of course that doesn’t happen all the time, but if it did, maybe there’d be less divorce.

Last night, the boyfriend and I went out with our friends, R & J. They’re Indian. J explained to us that Indians often have arranged marriages, so the boyfriend asked what they thought of that. J said that his parents had an arranged marriage and it’s worked out well for them. He also said that when you first start dating someone, you spend so many years getting to know them and it’s usually the fun stage. Then you get married and spend the rest of your marriage dealing with the tough times. Arranged marriages tend to give the couple a chance to get to know one another and go through the fun stages once the marriage starts.

I’m going to be honest: I think I want to marry the boyfriend. Actually, if I knew he felt the same way (and wasn’t scared that he’d think I’m crazy), I’d tell him that. I’m sure in a matter of days I will tell him. I’m impulsive like that. And I’m sure he won’t mind.

And maybe he’ll feel the same way. Who knows? Our relationship has been pretty magical–not to sound super cheesy, but don’t they say, When you meet the person, you just know? And hopefully that is how it works, but I have a feeling it’s a lot more complicated and difficult than that.