Be Who You Are, Not Who You Ought to Be

But back to the lesson at hand–it’s okay to just f*cking live your life and relax if you want to. Let go of all the business that’s bogging you down. Just be who you are. That’s better than being who you want to be or ought to be.

It’s okay not to be perfect. It’s okay to fail. It’s okay not to meet everyone’s expectations of what you “should” be or shouldn’t be, because ultimately you have to be the boss of yourself and live your own goddamned life.

Case in point: I am in school right now. It’s my last semester of college and dammit, I should be excited and I should be attending class. Right? Sadly, no. I’m barely attending class and I’m just f*cking burnt out on college. I think most college seniors feel the same way, so it’s probably no surprise to all of you who are “normal” out there. I constantly reflect and wonder if I’m “normal” or not. Living in a bubble/cult for years will do that to you. I question everything to a degree that I’m probably OCD about it.

But back to the lesson at hand–it’s okay to just f*cking live your life and relax if you want to. Let go of all the business that’s bogging you down. Just be who you are. That’s better than being who you want to be or ought to be. 

Enjoying Life

Life is never a bed of roses, but sometimes it can be pretty lovely. I used to only look forward to the future and didn’t give the present too much importance. I always had to have plans for the future and was always looking forward to the days when something big would happen in my life.

Today nothing major happened. I slept in. I drank two cups of coffee. I went to the post office. I got a Starbucks Salted Caramel Mocha. And now I’m home.

I’m not rushing to work on my writing. I’m not doing homework. I’m enjoying the weather and hoping to get a nap in after I post this.

The ambitious me is still here, but I’m learning to enjoy life and learning to relax. Years of overwork and burnout hit me (and my body) like a ton of bricks. I can’t overextend myself as I used to. I can’t pull all-nighters without feeling it in my body. I can’t even drink a whole bottle of wine without getting a tummy ache.

And even when I spend all day resting, I sometimes need to rest some more.

Yesterday I spent a wonderful day with the BF (boyfriend)–watching movies, laying on the beach, getting massages. It was perfect. But I woke up today exhausted, so I skipped class and rested. I’m exhausted for a number of reasons, but I’m just not interested in getting burnt out again. I AM interested in enjoying life, though.

I always dream of moving to another country and exploring the world, vagabond style. The other day I realized that I don’t need to move overseas to explore the world. I can do that here. So Sunday (I think…I have a hard time keeping track of days) I spent the entire day relaxing on the beach. The WHOLE day. I had a book to read, a blanket to nap on and I pulled my jeans up and went playing in the water.

It was the nicest, most relaxing day I’ve had in awhile. I waited for the sun to set and parked my car near my favorite point where I always see baby seals swimming. I could’ve cried, it was so picturesque and perfect.

And that’s when I decided that life is pretty damn near perfect. I don’t have to move overseas. I don’t need anything in life to change. I just need to get to enjoying it more.