The most important skill you will ever learn

Everyone needs to know how to open their own bottle of wine, because honey…trust me, some days you NEED it. This is kind of a weird post, I know, but the first thing I needed to learn when I got out of the cult and moved out on my own was how to open a bottle of wine. When you throw a party or have a friend over, you should be able to open your own wine. That’s rule number one for being a lady.

I fell in love with Stella Rosa a few years ago when my friend Lydia took me to Palermo Ristrorante (it’s Italian, duh). For the longest time, Palermo was the only place I could buy Stella but then I started seeing billboards that said “Stella gets around.” YOU WHORE!

Stella Rosa is now available widely (this is not a sponsored post, unfortunately…but it’s good shit).

 

Get a bottle.

 

Italian Wine

 

Step 1: Use a corkscrew (duh)

 

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Step 2: Start screwing, baby

 

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Step 3: Brace the corkscrew on the lid of the bottle

 

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Step 4: Hold the corkscrew down against the lid of the bottle and pull straight UP one fluid motion. If you’re having issues, readjust your grip and hold the corkscrew down against the lid again, then pull.

 

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Voila! Cork free!

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Sip it. Chug it. Drink it like you mean it.

 

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*Obviously you should drink responsibly, don't  drink and drive, don't turn into an alcoholic, and always use a condom.

 

Can Women Pursue Men?

This is one of the number one Google searches that brings people to my site. I assume if you’re looking for this answer, you’ve got a guy on your mind that you want to pursue, but a pastor or spiritual leader who says it’s a no-go. Right?

To get deeper into this subject would require my writing a novel, or a book on dating but the long and short of it is, YES, women can pursue men. And NO, that doesn’t make you a whore, a Jezebel, an outlaw, a Smurf or any other thing your pastor might suggest.

I don’t want to be demeaning or rude, but here’s the “real talk”: If you’re wondering what your pastor will say about your pursuit of a guy, you’re in a sexist church. To go even further, if your pastor is inquiring about your dating life regularly and giving you advice, or suggestions that sound more like commands, you’re going to need to look for a new pastor or spiritual leader.

Just. Walk. Away.

If you’re pastor is that involved, you’re probably already in or heading toward an abusive relationship and your pastor is going to control much of your life and life choices. And no, he’s not qualified to do so. God isn’t saying he should. Your pastor (if he says that) is full of sh*t.

What you don’t know (or maybe you do, which is why you Googled your question) is that we live in a modern society where it’s perfectly okay to ask a guy out.

How can you pursue a guy? Here’s a few easy steps:

1. Start with the basics. Smile, flirt, touch his arm. It’s okay. You’re not a whore. You’re….FLIRTING. You’re showing him you’re interested and that’s okay to do. People aren’t mind readers. How else will he know you like him if you don’t show him a little hint of your interest?

2. Make the first move. Maybe you think he’s cute so you want to friend him on Facebook. Do it! Guys like confident girls. If he accepts, flirt a little bit. Message him or comment on a picture. Do you have his number? Text him or call him.

3. Make the second move. In order to get to know someone, you have to spend time with them, whether it’s through an email or face-to-face. Get to know him by talking to him and learning what he’s interested in. Remember, your interests are just as valid, so share what you like. If you’re not interested in exactly the same things, that’s okay. People can bond over different interests if they’re attracted to each other enough. And who knows? Maybe it’s going to be a match. Maybe not.

4. Move on, if necessary. Maybe there’s no match, and no chemistry. Oh well. The first (or fifteenth) guy you date doesn’t have to be your husband. There isn’t anything wrong with you if you can’t find a baby daddy on the second date. Trust me, it’s nothing to rush into. Get to know yourself before you rush into commitment and take a breather from the courtship route. It’s not the best way to do things, regardless of what your pastor teaches.

 


 

Bullshit of the Day

The more [sexual] experiences teens have, the more likely they are to be depressed and commit suicide…this is particularly true of girls.

The above is a quote from Wendy Shalit, author of Girls Gone Mild (an abstinence and modesty book). 

The modesty and abstinence movements are geared towards making young women feel guilty about having sex.They want young women to “lock up their carnal treasure” until marriage and give it as a “gift” to their husband. Why? Because obviously we are men’s property and we owe them a gift when we marry them. [Sarcasm]

I know all about the abstinence movement. I “saved myself for marriage” at one point and I even preached this ideology to young women. After “committing my purity” to God, I didn’t date, kiss or even consider anything sexual for years.

After I left the church, I started questioning the whole abstinence thing–seriously wondering why the hell I was saving myself for marriage. It just didn’t make sense, especially since every man I knew had already “lost their virginity.” What was the point of me being a virgin if they weren’t?

In The Purity Myth, Jessica Valenti explains that the entire abstinence movement is focused on bringing back traditional gender roles and making women feel badly for having sex. Sex isn’t pleasurable when you feel guilty for having it. Sex isn’t pleasurable when you feel like it’s only for procreation, either. Sex also isn’t pleasurable when you think that you’re a “bad girl” for having it, thinking about it, “giving in” to it, as if you’re too weak to say no.

What Valenti argues in her book is that the abstinence movement depends on making sex feel dirty and those who have sex feel immoral. This might scare some youth into not having sex, but what happens when those people get married? They still feel immoral and dirty. Those feelings don’t go away just because you’re “officially” able to seal the deal for most people, especially women.

I’ve talked openly about sex to a lot of women friends of mine–ranging in age from 19 to 40–and I was surprised to hear how many of them don’t experience orgasms ever. A woman’s pleasure can depend on a lot of things, but quite often, it’s mental [Side Note: I’m not a doctor but I have talked to doctors about a woman’s orgasm.]. If a woman doesn’t feel relaxed or comfortable or turned on (for various reasons which don’t necessarily depend on her partner) she can’t come. Many of the women I know who’ve admitted they don’t orgasm have a strong religious background. Could this be part of the reason? Could they feel tense just because they feel sex is dirty or they’re a whore for having sex outside of marriage?

Valenti says, “Sex for pleasure, for fun, or even for building relationships is completely absent from our national conversation. Yet taking the joy out of sexuality is a surefire way to ensure not that young women won’t have sex, but rather that they’ll have it without pleasure.”

My friends who are religious have told me that they sometimes wish they hadn’t had sex because they feel it’s wrong to do before marriage. Regardless, they’re having sex and like Valenti said, they’re having it without pleasure. What’s wrong with this picture? The problem is you’re not immoral if you have sex, for fun or otherwise, but we all lean toward thinking that way and some of us absolutely fear we’re whores or going to hell for having sex. Like my friend Chris says (and I’m paraphrasing), Even the rhetoric in sex talk emphasizes that you’re bad or immoral for having sex. We say things like, ‘You’re a naughty girl.’ Or, ‘You bad boy.which plays off those stereotypes of the virgin/whore models.

Chris is right. In our conversations with each other (in bed or otherwise) we associate dirtiness with sex. Sex is dirty. Sex is harmful. Sex can kill you.

But can it?

I’m going to call bullshit on the purity/abstinence movement. Sex isn’t dirty and a woman isn’t a whore for having sex (with or without pleasure). Purity and abstinence are nothing more than a call to bring back the 1950’s traditional gender roles that tell women to get back in the kitchen and get knocked up as soon as they get married. There are few other options for women in the false world Shalit is trying to create. If you’re not married to a man and pregnant, you’re probably a whore.