How I know I’m the grumpiest person in the world

You know that Folgers commercial where the older brother comes home from Africa and his sister is waiting up for him with a cup of fresh coffee? When she puts the bow on him and says, “You’re my present this year” it makes me want to throw up.

So fucking cheesy.

I was watching that commercial the other day and just felt my blood pressure rise just getting pissed off.

I might have a little mood issue which I blame on my PCOS. Well, yeah, actually one of the symptoms is irritability. But, the other day I got cut off by a slow-ass Subaru and when I looked over, the lady was driving about 20 mph on the freeway SMILING ear to ear.

I hate Subaru’s and their drivers. And people who smile. Except Will Ferrell as Elf. (“I just like to smile. Smiling’s my favorite.”)

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I also hate those vegans who act morally superior. (Disclaimer: I have a few vegan friends who are cool ass people and I don’t resent that they’re trying to be healthy or love animals. Do what you want.) We all know the crowd. Or the gluten free, lactose free, I only eat air types. Pu-lease. Again, it’s not the diet that bothers me. Some people legitimately have issues with certain foods or some people feel it’s not right to eat animals (and you know, as an animal lover, I understand this). I guess it’s the self-righteous, know-it-all air some people have when they do this or any other diet. Oh and my favorite: You should eat this way, too, because all that other food is going to kill you. No, I shouldn’t. And you should shut the hell up.

My doctor actually gave me a diet to help with my PCOS. Guess what it was? Calorie restriction-only. Guess what kind of doctor he is? Fancy specialist with more degrees and qualifications than a lot of doctors. So, I was like, “Are you sure I don’t have to do low-carb? Everyone on the internet says I do.”

No

“What about vegan?”

No

“What about cutting out wheat? White flour? All veggies? Just salads and grilled chicken?”

His response? “You’ve heard of the guy who did the Twinkie diet, right? His cholesterol levels and blood work was so much improved after a year of eating just Twinkies and he lost weight. It was because he stuck with a specific caloric intake.” (Disclaimer: I can’t remember if that’s what he said word for word and if you Google it, maybe he died later, but you get the point.)

So eff everyone on the internet who are always telling people what to do or what playing Dr. Facebook.

Oh, speaking of which…I can’t tell you how many times I have wanted to punch the computer screen in the face because some mothers start talking about NOT vaccinating their kids. Good one, Jenny McCarthy and Company. Sure, I know it’s scary as hell to take care of a baby (I did that once) but it’s okay to ask your doctor instead of your girlfriends. And it’s okay not to make assumptions as if you DID go to medical school. Oh, you read the flu vaccine pamphlet and won’t get one? Great. Tell me where you got your doctorate, again?

It makes me stop my life and make it RIGHT. I can’t handle it when SOMEONE IS WRONG ON THE INTERNET.


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I know some of you think I’m actually the Grumpy Cat meme in disguise, but sadly, I’m not. I do love him though and he does actually make me smile.

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Boobies and The “Mommy Wars”

We’re all sick of the pretentious TIME magazine, asshole quip, “Are you mom enough?” with the cute uber-Christian tart on the cover. Now there’s another photo circulating and it should come as no surprise, because everyone wants to jump into the action.

We’re all sick of the pretentious TIME magazine, asshole quip, “Are you mom enough?” with the cute uber-Christian tart on the cover. Now there’s another photo circulating and it should come as no surprise, because everyone wants to jump into the action.

Nothing is wrong with breastfeeding, and to be honest, I could personally care less if you breastfeed your baby until he’s the size of Will Ferrell. Breastfeeding is healthier for children, except if you examine the toxins in breast tissue/milk (Did you know that breast milk contains substances similar to cannabis? Author Florence Williams’ investigation…discovers the presence of environmental toxins in her own breast milk.)

What inflames moms, dads and childless by choice people like myself has very little to do with actual breastfeeding, or anything that mother’s do. It’s the moral superiority with which some women flaunt their perfection (not necessarily the women in the photos floating around, just a general feeling in the “Designer Mommy” community). It’s like Designer Motherhood has become a woman’s key into the Kingdom of I’m-Better-Than-All-Of-You. Popping a little runt out of your vagine doesn’t necessarily give you keys to the castle, though. First, you must follow ALL THE RULES. But what are the rules?

DESIGNER MOMS & THEIR RULES:

BE RICH: I think I was reading Parents magazine in the work bathroom last week when I came across the “to-dos” of being pregnant. First you had to change the water you drink–no more tap water. Only filtered. And not just any filter, this special type of filter. Ship your purified water in from Hollywood if you’re really a good mommy-to-be. Then, once you popped out the child, you have to avoid all things plastic. DO NOT store fresh veggies in plastic. GLASS ONLY! And then eat only organic veggies and fruits, washing them thoroughly first. The only consistent factor here is, you have to be rich. If I were to get pregnant soon, my child and I would be lucky if we were able to eat Del Taco for a week straight. I’m what some white people would call…poor.

BE PRETENTIOUS: If you can’t name your favorite celebrity mommy, and if she’s not Gwyneth Paltrow, then you can’t join the club. Only Mommy Goddesses like Gwyneth get everything done–yoga, organic juicing, charity work, etc. Only subscribe to earth-saving, baby-wellness, break-your-back-because-it’s-so-much-work mothering activities like putting brown cloth diapers on your baby, followed by washing them in filtered water and special soap made by Jessica Alba.  Made? I mean…designed. Of course. Celebrities don’t make things, they outsource things to China like Wal-Mart and Apple iPad people-killing factories. Oops.

BE SKINNY & BECOME PRIVELEDGED: The other issue about listening to celebrities–as John Cheese writes , “They come from a world where money isn’t a thing.” There are a half dozen mommy bloggers or mommy spokespeople (like Gwyneth and Jessica Alba) who are pretty popular. They prepare only the finest organic meals for children. While this is wonderful, I take issue with their messages here: when you are a celebrity (and naturally very skinny) and you come from a world where money doesn’t matter, you can buy the most expensive ingredients and you’ve never struggled with gaining weight. You can condemn obesity and turn your nose to fat people for their “bad habits” and tell your kids that if they just run and play, they’ll never get fat, but your message is irrelevant to me. The rest of us don’t have the luxury of being naturally tiny, or spending whatever amount of money we want on fruits and veggies, so when you are a celebrity and you hand out advice, just know that it goes in one ear and out the other with me. Oh, and the rest of us don’t have enough money to afford therapy, and doctors, and dietiticians that might help us lose weight. I’m uninsured.

(Author’s note: I’m going through a very poor stage in my life. I was unemployed for six months and I’m literally counting coins to survive. Call me bitter, but rich people’s snobbery really infuriates me.)

As a blogger, I’ve noticed a trend. Everyone says the Internet is full of two things: cat videos and porn. But that’s not exactly true. There’s another thing we’ve missed: mommy blogs and mommy forums. Women have taken over the Internet, according to Tech Crunch. It’s true. And don’t you think TIME magazine knows that, which is why they strategically placed a mommy blogger on the cover? Don’t you think Mitt Romney’s wife knows that, which is why she decided to get in on the action and stir the Mommy War pot even further?

The Mommy Wars and Designer Motherhood boil down to two things: money and advertising. Advertisers and marketing gurus (“news” sources or political candidates) know the best way to get money is to target women. This isn’t anything new. The Internet is relatively new, though, so maybe this is why the Mommy Wars are being played out on the Internet more.

Either way, here’s how I feel about your boobies, your grown child feeding off them and the rest of the “drama”:

…It’s inevitable that at 30 years old, my friends are surrounding me with everything “baby.”

I can honestly say that I don’t mind the occasional update and picture. A baby might not be as cute as a puppy, but the little buggers can occasionally do things that warrant parental bragging and posting.

The problem arises when my friends—wearing their baby blinders—mistake my polite interest as an invitation to indulge me with stories of possible allergies and prolific artistic talents with macaroni and glue on a daily basis.

So in the interest of keeping me itchy trigger finger off the “unfriend” button, I thought I would give them a few tips about how to keep the anti-mommies from becoming anti-friends.

There are certain words that are acceptable and “normal” when bandied about with other parents, but that non-parents don’t need to hear. These include but are not limited to: kidlet, breast pump, nipple, baby bump or placenta. And for the record, any mention of placenta consumption is an automatic blocking for life… And as for ultrasound photos, just don’t. While it’s a miracle and lovely for you, to those of us who aren’t carrying that little lima bean inside our uterus, it looks like an alien. They all do.

Finally, know that when I say I don’t want to have children, I really mean I don’t want to have children. Do not look at me as if I just declared I don’t want to ever have fun or time to myself again, as for me, having children would amount to never having fun or time to myself again. To put it in parental terms, I would be in a permanent “time out.” (Quoted from Scary Mommy, the only mommy blogger I’m in love with. And I mean, in LOVE.)

And, I might add, your kid is not the smartest thing alive, nor the cutest. I’d rather see a picture of your cat, because most infants look weird.

And just stop with the working mom vs. stay at home mom fight. You’re all wonderful and deserve a pat on the back. My mom was a stay at home mom and it was awesome for us. I want to be a working mother (if I ever am a mother–and for the record, I’ll probably ship in organic breast milk if mine is found toxic and I’ll probably hire a full time gardener and juicer) with a few nannies, because to be honest: I love working and I love sleep more than anything in the world.